1. Gather lots of makeup. However much makeup you think it will take to achieve the no-makeup look, it will take far more makeup than that. Go to any social media site, and find a how-to video on applying no-makeup makeup.
2. Get a lighted mirror with at least 15X magnification. Confronting the brutal truth of your skin at this age will be frightening, but you are a middle-aged woman, and lately, you seem to delight in brutal truth to the degree that it is becoming uncomfortable for those around you.
3. Start with under-eye concealer because you look like a panda, if pandas were chronically furious. Be sure to moisturize first; if you don’t moisturize, the concealer will settle into your wrinkles, and you’ll look like a lizard. There are so many animals you must now work to avoid resembling.
4. Apply a “primer.” There are primers for redness, sallowness, and splotchy-ness. You need all three.
5. Oh no. You’re having a hot flash. Now you have to start over. Wash everything off, repeat steps 1—4, and re-join the video.
6. Gregory from work is calling you. He has already emailed and texted you. In his defense, you’re supposed to be chairing a meeting. Answer your phone and scream, “GREGORY, I AM RECOVERING FROM A HOT FLASH WHILE ATTEMPTING TO APPLY THE NO-MAKEUP MAKEUP, AND ALSO VAGINAL DRYNESS CAN BE A PROBLEM!” and then hang up. Gregory will leave you alone now, and you can proceed with step 7.
7. Use an eyeliner/shadow duo that’s the same shade as your skin (do not question the logic of this), just like the woman in the video for mature women (who is nowhere near your age; she is 33). “Chubby stick” versions of the product work well and are easier for arthritic hands to maneuver (this is not a comment on your weight, so please settle down).
8. Try to figure out what “tubing mascara” is. Give up and apply it anyway, to however many eyelashes you have left.
9. Fill in your eyebrows using some product with a stupid name. Pray to any god you still worship that the bushy-brow trend ends soon. In the meantime, try to stop critiquing the young women with caterpillars on top of their eyes. Do you think you might be bitter because when you were their age, you plucked yours down to nothing and then they never came back?
10. Uh-oh. Your husband just appeared, and he is mocking the no-makeup makeup video. He will have to be killed. Once he’s dead, move on to step 11.
11. Apply the shimmer stick to whatever part of your face still looks old. You can put it on your cheekbones, eyelids, lips, etc. Some women even use the shimmer stick to highlight the top of their breasts, but we are not recommending this for you. (Your breasts probably no longer have a discernible top.)
12. You are done. You have used so much time, energy, money, and makeup to create a perfect no-makeup look. Your bank account has taken a hit, you’re fireable-level late for work, and you’ve murdered your husband. The important thing is that you look like you just rolled out of bed. Nice work.