Do you stress-eat and boredom-gorge while social distancing? Do you bake and then demolish homemade bagels, date nut muffins, and entire Snickerdoodle pies while you are sheltering in place with your ferret? Does your Fitbit register 52 steps at the end of the day? Well, sigh no more: The trick to managing those pandemic pounds is all in how you weigh yourself.
1. Weigh yourself stark naked, first thing in the morning, AFTER you’ve gone to the bathroom and brushed your teeth (plaque can add pounds) and BEFORE you’ve eaten.
2. Lean this way or that to make the scale needle move. Who is to say which is the correct point? If it’s a digital scale, spring up and down a little. If you need to grab the windowsill to keep your balance, no worries. You don’t want to fall. The ERs are full. It’s actually your civic duty.
3. Weight usually varies by 1/2 pound each time you step up. Accept the number that appears two out of three times — unless that’s the higher number; in which case, go for three out of five. Four of seven and five out of nine are fine too. Heck, where else are you going to go? You have all the time in the world.
4. Subtract eight pounds if you ate your yeast starter after watching the latest White House Coronavirus Task Force briefing. It’s all bloat and will pass tomorrow.
5. Subtract five pounds if you ate an entire bag of salted nuts because you forgot the finale of Modern Family was on because who can remember what day it is anymore?! Water weight is serious business.
6. Buzz-cut that heavy hair. Who cares? By the time you actually see another person again, it will probably be down to the backs of your knees. Added plus: No one will see your skunk stripe because you haven’t been able to get your hair dyed.
7. Let out a toot and get rid of those dense gasses. Bonus: Afterwards, your family will finally give you some alone time.
8. Do some light home exercise before weighing (open the freezer, close the freezer, put on your own socks, high knee jog to find the clicker, etc.) And voila! That extra pound? It’s muscle mass.
9. Whatever you do, don’t weigh yourself before you have your daily Zoom with friends or family. Treat yourself to a moment of lighthearted ignorance. And make sure you prop your chin in your gloved fist when you Zoom to disguise your chins.
10. Don’t wear your glasses so you can’t see the scale. Or just tape over the reading with the perfect number. Does it matter? It’s not like you are ever going to put on real clothes or go on an in-person Tinder date again. Be happy in your delusions. Who’s to tell you otherwise? The ferret?