So you’ve decided you’re hungry. Hey, maybe you are. Maybe you’re not wanting to fill an existential emptiness with empty calories. I suppose that’s possible. Well, I have good news for you. Making a sandwich is super easy! Especially if you follow these six steps.

Step One: Overcome Your Obstacles

Realize that your inability to make a sandwich so far is a direct result of the care given to you by your parents. Did your mother make sandwiches for you? Were they the sandwiches you wanted to eat or were they the sandwiches that pleased her? Did your father ever make sandwiches? Of course not. He was never there, was he? He was all about NOT making your sandwich. I guess what I’m saying is, good luck with your sandwich.

Step Two: Don’t Make Your Sandwich

Congratulations! You’ve successfully convinced yourself that you really don’t want a sandwich because it brings up too many painful memories. Welcome to Step Two. This is definitely the most important step, because it is here that you DON’T make your sandwich. In fact, you don’t even get up off the couch, or floor if that’s your jam. Speaking of jam, maybe that would be good on your sandwich? A little peanut butter and strawberry jam? Sounds like comfort food, doesn’t it? Comfort is what you need more than food right now. Well, maybe a sandwich will magically appear in your hand, because God knows you’re not gonna go make it. Nope. The floor is way too comfortable. Yes, you’re definitely on the floor now. Face down, if you’re doing it right.

Step Three: Gather Your Supplies

After a couple of hours, the feelings of inadequacy brought up in Step Two will likely have subsided, or will have been overpowered by actual hunger. Whatever the case, look at you! You’re on your feet and walking into the kitchen. Who would have thought it was possible? Certainly not Mr. Face-On-The-Floor about twenty minutes ago. Now is the time to ask yourself: Do you have everything you need to make the sandwich you want? Of course you don’t. Every day brings a new disappointment. But you probably have enough ingredients to make some sort of sandwich. Or, you know, you can call what you make “a sandwich.” Two pieces of bread with a third piece of bread in between them. A half a torn flour tortilla sadly folded over a frozen waffle. A handful of cereal poured into a nearly empty mayonnaise jar. Who will know the difference? It’s not like there’s anyone else around, is there? You’re alone. So very alone.

Step Four: Cry

It’s totally normal to have strong feelings triggered while you’re making a sandwich. No one gets through this process unscathed. Don’t judge. Just ride the wave and let the tears flow. Your sandwich supplies, such as they are, will still be there when you’re done. Take your time.

Step Five: Call Your Therapist

I mean, a lot of good that’ll do, right? She’s probably got your number blocked by now, all things considered. But might as well give it a shot. You will tell yourself not to leave a message, but you’ll leave one anyway. That’s fine. Pretend she’s listening, which she definitely won’t. She’ll delete your message unheard. But turn that frown upside down. That just means the length of your message won’t matter at all. So take your time. Be specific. Let those feelings out.

Step Six: Go To Bed

It’s been a rough day. You’re exhausted. It’s dark. You’ve either eaten or not. Might as well climb into bed and sleep. Tomorrow’s a new day, a new beginning. That’s probably exactly what your therapist would have recommended, had she picked up the phone. Well, I have some more great news for you. Going to bed is a super easy, thirteen-step process. What are we waiting for? Let’s get started!