If you’ve found yourself on vacation on a tropical island, that’s so great, I’m really happy for you! Here are some ways to make the most of your time.

One thing before I begin: If you’re on a tropical island and NOT on vacation, be you money laundering, stranded, or devising an escape plan from an evil scientist/David Copperfield/Richard Branson, I wish you the best of luck, but this is NOT for you. The only thing I’d advise is to concentrate on setting up your fake business, gathering driftwood or wriggling out of your ankle shackles.

Now for some vacation tips!

You know what, I will say, that if you’re on Richard Branson’s Necker Island, you may think you’re on vacation, but you’re actually not. I’d just do a sweep for hidden cameras and microphones. Also, make sure you’re not secretly in space. A good way to do this is to throw a coconut up into the air. If it crackles against the false sky dome that covers his island space ship, you’re in space. Again, best of luck with all of that.

However, if you are genuinely, of your own volition, on an island resort or beach rental or tent, you should relax.

Well, that’s not necessarily true. Life is for the living and you should push yourself to the limit, the extreme and beyond. So, without further ado, “relax” yourself over to the closest…

Zip Line!
This almost goes without saying, and I don’t want to condescend to you, of course you know to find the closest zip line. But sometimes it’s good to see things in print. Zip lines are fun and the fastest way to get from point A to point B. If zip lines had been invented before crows, the saying would go, “As the zip line zips.” The best part about a zip line is that you can talk about zip lines at the bar later that night. Nothing impresses the opposite sex more than a good zip line tale. You’ll be telling your zip line story and they’ll be all, “I’d like to unzip line you.” And you’ll be like, ‘I don’t understand… oh shit, yes I do! Let’s go make love in my tent.” And then that’s what you’ll do.

Rent a Golf Cart
Golf carts are about a billion times better than walking and are more environmentally responsible than cars. Also, it’s totally legal to drink and drive in them, I think. You might want to look up the local island ordinances, but that’s what I just wrote and since it’s in print it’s true now. You’re welcome! Hopefully you’ve packed your decal kit so you can paint flames and/or galloping horse skeletons on the side. This will make you seem dangerous and mystical and, coupled with your zip line story, will really seal the deal. You’ll be fending off all of the sexy people.

Oh, for those of you who are trapped on David Copperfield’s island, I hear that, much like the Wicked Witch of the West or the aliens in Signs, he can be destroyed with water. So I’d lure him into the ocean, pool or nearest decorative fountain. Or just pray for rain, but I don’t know if God exists on David Copperfield’s island.

Next tip for island enjoyment:

Take the Ghost Tour
A ghost tour is an excellent way to learn about the islands ghosts. It’s also a great second date. Oooh, ghosts, spooky! Let’s hold each other tight and then make love in the back of your decaled flaming horse skeleton golf cart! Boo!

Speaking of ghosts, if you’re on Tyler Perry’s island, source some sage for burning to dispel the many ghosts that haunt his grounds. Many of the ghosts are in drag. That sounded like a cheap Tyler Perry joke, but it’s true. The male ghosts on his island wear wigs and dresses, it’s a known fact. So there.

Hmm on second thought maybe not. Because unless you’re a certified instructor you’re going to have to go tandem and anything tandem is tanDUMB. Tandem bicycles, tandem parking… other tandem things. Just stay away, until you get your parachuting license and can jump solo.

And those are all the tips for enjoying your island vacation! Oh, one last thing, if you’re money laundering on the Cayman Islands, you’re just mixing business with pleasure and you won’t be able to enjoy your beautiful surroundings. Try money laundering someplace like South Dakota (no offense, SoDak, I could have just as easily said NoDak, though the fact is that I didn’t) and then you’ll be able to fully enjoy the natural splendor of the island. You know?