To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing this to aid the House Judiciary Committee’s investigation into the actions carried out by the Trump Administration in an effort to have a foreign country influence a political election.
Around 17 September, 2019 the Trump Administration attempted to contact me via phone call about assisting in the investigation of Hunter Biden’s dealings in Ukraine. We did not make contact. I do not own a phone. I am a lizard of considerable length and girth. My home is inside the ocean. Having a phone is not practical for myriad reasons.
I was made aware of this attempted phone call during a visit to Tokyo. Naturally, my visits are chaotic, so I may be misremembering portions of this incident, but I keenly recall hearing through the screams of “IT’S GODZILLA!!!” someone saying, “Godzilla, Mick Mulvaney, Chief of Staff for the Trump Administration called to request that you formally investigate Joe Biden’s son for crimes committed in Ukraine.”
I found the request to be inappropriate on multiple levels. Even me, a sea monster, anti-hero of sorts, can appreciate the value of preserving the integrity of democratic elections. But also, again, I am a sea monster with aforementioned considerable length and girth. I was at one point a metaphor for nuclear destruction. Methodical investigation of corruption is not in my skill set. There is video footage of me tripping on a car and knocking over an entire building. This request was not only criminal, it was foolish and desperate.
I am informing the council of this with no agenda; as a non-citizen of the United States I cannot vote. Even if I could, none of the candidates from either side have any policies that are of interest to me. I am, as mentioned before, a lizard who lives just off the coast of Japan. I breathe fire. Most of my needs are sudden, violent, and cannot be met through typical democratic legislation. In that sense, a two-party system is not practical to me.
If more details are requested, I will be as forthcoming as lizard monsterly possible. However, I am preemptively declining to testify in front of any committees. Deeply partisan interrogation of a witness is nothing more than political theater, and quite frankly, I am a big fucking lizard.
King of Monsters
“Until one has loved an animal, part of your soul remains unawakened.”