“If you think any of this wonkiness is going to deal with this dark psychic force of the collectivized hatred that this President is bringing up in this country, then I’m afraid that the Democrats are going to see some very dark days.” — Democratic presidential candidate Marianne Williamson, 7/30/19

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Ever since I began my run for President of the United States, the media has dismissed my candidacy using references to energy crystals, tarot cards, and other New Age cultural signifiers. They mock that my warnings of dark psychic forces refer to insufficient Enneagrams, bad Goop™, or even racism. But contrary to the media’s narrative, the dark psychic force that enshrouds us all is General Ahmed Gaïd Salah, chief of staff of the Algerian Army, and his refusal to cede power to the Hirak.

The Hirak protestors deposed President Abdelaziz Bouteflika this year and demand a bona fide election without military interference. I’m running for President because I believe peaceful revolutionary protest in the maghreb and elderberry syrup are the only salves that can heal America. Indeed, “System, Get Lost!” is both the chant of the Hirak and my stance on vaccines.

I first read about the Algerian War for Independence in magazines as a student at Pomona College. And after reading “A Dying Colonialism,” I knew I had to drop out of college under the guise of becoming a cabaret singer in New York, the only respectable form of song for my family. In reality, I became a deputy in the Algerian National Liberation Army, serving in the Gramercy Park theater of the war.

Despite my admittedly short kill list in the war, I pledged fealty to Algeria. Its competing parties — the revolutionary FLN, the various Islamists, the marginalized Berber factions — weaved through my soul like Amish wicker baskets at the Santa Monica farmer’s market. Its repressed pluralism moved me to tears like side-effects from Deepak Chopra’s quantum healing. Algeria connected me to my fellow American like a classic late ’70s pyramid scheme/cult.

In 1991, I officiated Elizabeth Taylor’s eighth wedding to her seventh husband. This dark, psychic act led to the Algerian Civil War shortly thereafter. And much like Elizabeth Taylor’s marriage, the Algerian Civil War ended in tragedy. Since then, I’ve used my platform to transcendentally fight the repressive Algerian military loyalists in Hollywood.

In A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles — my self-help book that John Podheretz called “almost unspeakably tasteless” — I used universalist religiosity as a thinly-veiled metaphor to criticize the Algerian military for ousting the democratically-elected Chadli Benjedid. When my book joined Oprah’s Book Club, I knew Americans were beginning to see the need for civilian rule in Algeria.

Since running for president, I’ve encouraged voters in spiritual battlefields all over Iowa and New Hampshire to harness love against the Algerian military state. Only once the Hirak is victorious will America have the psychic power necessary to pursue policies like mandatory voter Dianetic testing and an education system based around the Power of Positive Thinking™.

There are those that seek to disparage my past remarks on depression, AIDS, vaccines, and overweight people. But how can you really know that my critics themselves aren’t holdovers from the military-backed Bouteflika administration? The Hirak will not accept a puppet candidate, and I will not accept a puppet critic of the Williamson/Dr. Oz administration.

In closing, I would like to reiterate a quote from A Return to Love that has often been misattributed to Nelson Mandela, and edited from its original: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that the Algerian people are powerful beyond General Gaïd Salah’s self-serving oil subsidies.”

And because of my love for the Algerian people, I would like to announce that I will donate 100% of the money I make off of my presidential run to their cause.