“A middle-aged couple of giant pandas in a Hong Kong theme park have mated for the first time in more than 10 years, after finally enjoying a period of privacy thanks to the coronavirus lockdown.” — The Guardian, 4/7/20

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Hey. How’s your Tiger King episode recap podcast going? “Did Carole really blah, blah, duh, duh, duh, DUH, DUH.”

I can’t hear you. And I literally do not want to, ever.

I’m busy. I’m busy throwing that ass back in a Hong Kong zoo. Panda ass. A panda ass that belongs to me, a panda.

In case I have not made this obvious, I am a panda that has recently fucked. It took me some time to do that successfully, but I did. I also filmed it. So now I am a panda that fucks, and I am very, very famous for those two things. If you have some vegan cookies you are excited to post on Instagram I suggest you wait out this news cycle because I am a sex-positive multi-media juggernaut that happens to be a panda.

I understand the situation. We are all in quarantine. It’s very serious. This is probably the only time you will have to work on a project that will make you famous. But this is the problem: I completed my project, and my project has made it so there is literally no more spotlight for anyone else. I’m sure in any other quarantine situation your micro-chap poetry book would have popped off but I put out a Madonna-esque X-rated video essay whilst being an endangered species.

Will I use my new platform to lift other people up who may not get equal chances in this world? No. I will not. I am a panda, and for selfish reasons, I will be hiding behind that. I am a panda who knows about bamboo, sex, camcorders, and fame. That’s it. I do not know about platforms and how to use them to help others. I do not have thumbs. I literally can not lift you up! I also do not like micro-chap poetry books. I have to live within my truth.

I don’t know what you should do with the rest of your quarantine. I’m sure you could learn math, or get married, but you should put fame on the back burner. It is literally impossible now that I have successfully boned.