That guy you worked with at a Bennigan’s during college who photographs every “immune-boosting” meal he cooks, somehow making each dish look like regurgitated five-day-old stew. (Unfollow)
Your sixth-grade science teacher who is now an anti-vaxxer and thinks COVID-19 is a “Democrat conspiracy” to take down the president. (Unfriend)
The drummer from Asparagus Piss, that band you followed in college, who thinks social distancing to stop the spread of coronavirus is a poor idea because we need to “cull the herd.” (Block)
Biochem study partner from college who now shares posts from “doctors on the front lines” claiming you can tell if you have coronavirus by holding your breath for ten seconds. (Comment with links to the WHO and CDC explaining that the only way to tell is by a difficult-to-get medical test, then unfriend when he says he “doesn’t trust acronyms”)
That girl who dealt speed in your high school and now belongs to the Facebook groups “Build the Wall with Libtards’ Bones,” “Just Say NO to Social Distencing,” (sic) and “Friday Night Knitting Circle.” (Block)
Your neighbor Sage, who posts multiple links touting “aromatic hydrocarbon aromatherapy” as a cure for COVID-19. (Post links to the WHO and CDC as well as information on the toxicity and carcinogenicity of benzene, then unfriend when she spams you on Messenger with links to a “sniffing circle”)
That woman you worked with at a feminist bookshop in the ‘90s who now can’t wait to tell you the various ways in which every old movie you find comforting in these stressful times is “quite problematic, actually.” (Unfollow, add to restricted list)
Second cousin once removed who subjected you to eight racist memes in the six minutes you were Facebook friends, including two that blamed President Obama for the coronavirus outbreak. (Block with such force that you sprain your index finger)
Friend from elementary school who reposts a televangelist’s missives touting “a whiff of benzene a day — sweet remedy for the saved.” (Post links to the toxicity and carcinogenicity of benzene, then block when he suggests you might be aligned with “dark forces”)
Your neoliberal aunt who thinks that article you posted criticizing the Trump administration’s focus on the markets during a pandemic was a “little unfair” and that it’s important to call out “media bias” wherever she sees it. (Unfollow, add to restricted list)
Karen, who thinks that even though her community is on lockdown, she shouldn’t have to pay her cleaning lady because “basically, she’s on vacation.” (Post angry rebuttal, then unfriend)
Your best friend’s sister, whose feed consists entirely of memes professing her love of Chardonnay. (Refollow after years of unfollowing; a bottle of wine or five sounds really good right now)
Your sister’s ex-husband, who just purchased “the benzene cure” and thinks a “sweet drop a day” in his coffee will confer immunity to the coronavirus. (Post links to the toxicity and carcinogenicity of benzene, then unfriend when he replies, “You do you.”)
Jill Stein, because if she hadn’t run as a third-party candidate in 2016, we might have a president in charge of this Kafkaesque nightmare who believes in science. (Block in a rage-and-tequila blackout)
That girl you smoked pot with once before Driver’s Ed who immediately starts trying to sell you the “Neti Pot COVID Cure” after you accept her friend request. (Post links to the WHO and CDC, unfollow, then block when she keeps spamming you on Messenger)
Deadhead ex-boyfriend who thinks you’re being “a little aggressive” with all the CDC and WHO links and that you should “just relax.” (Block)
Blaine, who posts yacht rock videos every day from the home his family “decamped to” in the Hamptons. (Block)
David Geffen, who posts photos from his actual yacht. (Try to block, discover that he’s made his account private, sob inarticulately when your partner with whom you share a one-bedroom apartment asks what’s wrong)
Kevin, who called himself “Barleycorn” when you both lived in a vegan anarchist collective in the ’80s and who still thinks most things should be unregulated — including people’s ability to congregate during a pandemic. (Post links on the value of social distancing, then block when he says he thinks veganism confers immunity from the virus)
Every celebrity and sportsball player who says they tested positive and are “feeling fine,” I mean, what the actual fuck, I thought there were hardly any tests available, is there a goddamn stockpile of them for the fucking rich and famous? (Fling phone across room, ignore shattered screen, then block liberally)
Mark Zuckerberg. (Block)
The coronavirus. (Unfollow, then block)