JARED: Welcome to our Passover Seder. The history of the Jewish people reaches back nearly 4000 years—
IVANKA: Wait, we’re holding the Seder with just the two of us?
JARED: In times of great adversity, Jews find comfort in their traditions. (He lights the candles.) As we say the blessing over the candles, this Passover we give thanks to Mitch McConnell for keeping your father in office, and to the coronavirus—
IVANKA: Wait, what?
JARED: To stop the pandemic, your father tapped me to mobilize the private sector, so I tapped my brother Josh and his insurance company Oscar Health. I told Josh to copy and paste the CDC’s evaluation questions onto his website. Here’s the beautiful part: once people start taking his online survey, Oscar Health will soon be able to bill the federal government for “virus evaluation.”
IVANKA: Wow, and I thought Josh was the smart one because he got into Harvard on his own, but that’s genius, Jared.
JARED: Thank you. I came up with the idea between brokering Middle East Peace, solving the opioid crisis, and googling about ventilators.
IVANKA: How do we benefit, though?
JARED: I don’t want to discuss the intricacies of corporate holding companies on Passover. It’s time for the blessing over the wine. (Holds up a cup of wine.) This wine, provided by Eric Trump Winery, symbolizes the sweetness of unfettered power and influence.
JARED: (Holds up a sprig of parsley.) The parsley on our Seder plate represents spring and the earth’s natural bounty. Speaking of which, would you like to take a walk later and check out the cherry blossoms on the National Mall? It’s closed to the public but no one will stop us.
JARED: I mean, we’re quarantined in the same house, yet I never see you.
IVANKA: I’m social distancing.
JARED: We dip the parsley into salt water representing the tears of a man who only wishes to spend some quality time with his wife.
IVANKA: (Rolls eyes) I’ve had my hands full staging Instagram photos with three kids and no nanny.
IVANKA: (Breaks a piece of matzah and holds it up.) This matzah is the bread of affliction. Though afflicted by relentless insults on Twitter, we thank God for the millions we’ve earned since becoming senior White House advisors. It is enough — Dayenu.
THE FOUR QUESTIONS
JARED: Have I read enough articles on WebMD about coronavirus to call myself an expert?
IVANKA: How much longer before I can flood the Chinese market with Ivanka Trump fashions?
JARED: Will I ever become Ambassador to Israel?
IVANKA: Where does it actually say a President’s job is to solve a national health crisis?
THE FOUR CHILDREN
JARED: The Torah instructs us to teach our children the story of Passover. Where are the children anyway?
IVANKA: I’m making the nanny help them find the afikoman over Zoom. No reason she can’t pitch in just because we fired her.
JARED: It’s not too late to have another baby, you know.
JARED: You know, having four children is very biblical.
JARED: A cup of water is placed on the table to honor the prophet Miriam. We embrace this modern Passover tradition as passionate supporters of women. And I am the most passionate supporter of the most beautiful woman in the world. (He reveals a previously hidden cup.) Behold the “The Ivanka Cup.” Nothing says, “Let’s have another baby” like a diamond-encrusted 14K-gold kiddush cup.
IVANKA: I’m having my third cup of wine now.
THE PASSOVER STORY
JARED: Now it’s time to retell the story of Passover. A Pharaoh came to power in Egypt who feared the Jews—
IVANKA: Can’t we skip this part? Jews in slavery, plagues, blah, blah, they hang out in the desert, eat flatbread, and go swimming in the Red Sea. Sounds like Coachella.
JARED: I’ve never attended. I know this quarantine has been hard on you, living without housekeepers and daily massages, but you’ve got to stay strong, Ivanka. You’re like a modern-day Anne Frank.
IVANKA: Maybe I should start a blog?
JARED: Maybe we should go to our doomsday bunker in New Zealand? The architect just emailed that the indoor pool is complete.
IVANKA: I can’t leave the country in the middle of a pandemic. America’s working moms depend on me to boost their spirits. #TogetherApart #ImJustLikeYou
EXPLANATION OF PASSOVER SYMBOLS
IVANKA: (Holds the shank bone limply.) The shank bone represents the sacrificial lamb Jews slaughtered the night they left Egypt. This Passover we engrave the shank bone with BIDEN.
JARED: Sometimes I think you don’t take your Judaism seriously.
IVANKA: What about your Judaism? Tell me, which plagues are the residents of your housing projects suffering under this Passover? Flies? Lice? Roaches?
JARED: All of a sudden you’re a champion of the downtrodden?
IVANKA: Oh, look: it’s wine time again. (She downs a full glass.)
IVANKA: (Waves the bitter herbs in his face.) These bitter herbs represent the bitterness of a man whose wife has higher favorability ratings.
JARED: This is charoset, a delicious Passover favorite that balances the bitterness of the maror. It’s made with apples, honey, and a dose of hydroxychloroquine. I got extra to balance your father’s bitterness over everyone liking Cuomo more than him.
(JARED stares into space, as if he were deep in thought. IVANKA scrolls through Instagram.)
JARED: Can we not argue on Passover. We’re both fighting for the same things: wealth and privilege. (He holds up the egg.) Let this roasted egg symbolize the rebirth of our nation… and perhaps our relationship?
(IVANKA likes an old Instagram photo of her brothers smiling next to a dead elephant they hunted.)
IVANKA: OK, whatever, you’re right. Let us welcome the prophet Elijah who will lead the way for peace in the world and between us.
JARED: Where’s Elijah’s cup?
IVANKA: Christ, are you really going to insist on dirtying an extra glass? It’s expensive enough as it is to FedEx our dirty dishes to the housekeeper without adding more.
JARED: As we conclude our Seder, we remember life is a mixture of bitter and sweet. People will likely die due to my incompetence, but the bitterness of death is countered by the sweetness of controlling the nation’s stockpile of medical supplies. This year we are here; next year in Jerusalem. Or New Zealand.