I don’t need a kind, soft spoken intelligent lover. I don’t need a “Prince Charming.” I don’t need a man who listens to NPR but would also get the appropriate amount of jealous and or heated if someone hit on me at a night club. No, not me. That is not what I need. Not who I need. Not right now.

I don’t need a man because I am confident and wise. I am sassy and I know it. I am daring and bold. I wear black with navy. I eat at restaurants alone. I bang on the roof with a broom when my neighbors are too loud, just like they do in the movies. I go out every Friday night and I only cry on Sundays.

I am, how they say, “not most girls.” Why? Because most girls need a man! God, Karen, keep up.

No, I don’t need a man because I am killing it right now. I am crushing it right now. I am murdering it to death right now. I am insert-whatever-word-definitely-means-I-am-suffering-but-trying-to-mask-it right now. That is how much of a murderous rage I’m in right now. Rage. RAGE!!!

I don’t need a man because, come on, who needs a man? Do you need a man? Wait, do you have a man? Are you and your man doing well? How well? Like “fine” well? Are you and your man doing “fine?” If you’re doing “fine” can you tell your man I’m single?

What? I’m just asking.

Does your man have a man friend?

I don’t need a man because I am Miss Independent. I read that on a T-shirt once.

Guys, I don’t need a man, because, who has time for a man? I’ve never had time for a man. Ever. Like, not even in college. Or high school. Not even with that foreign exchange student who stayed at my house and I thought, like, maybe we had something? But apparently not? And when I thought he went home early because of his asthma, he really just transferred to Jeremy’s house? Ugh. Men!

I don’t need no Romeo. No Don Juan. No “Can you please stop standing so close to me on the subway.” I don’t need guys who play games, you know? Guys who say they’re not interested but then, well, well, well, here they are, showing up at my subway stop at the same time every day.

Look, all I’m saying is, I don’t need a man.

Unless you know someone.