As I continue to search for my overdue stimulus check, I instead find a worn-out handwritten letter in my mailbox, with a postmark dated 2006. It reads:
Hello, I’m Keanu Reeves in the 2006 movie The Lake House. What’s up?
Hello, Keanu Reeves in The Lake House. Do you know anything about where my stimulus check is? Apparently they were delayed because President Trump wanted to put his name on it, can you believe that? So here I am just checking my mailbox obsessively, hoping it’ll finally get here. You know, if I’d gotten my tax return via direct deposit, I’d have gotten this check already. But I was too lazy to get up to find the routing number on my checkbook. Anyway, any word on where this is?
I don’t know anything about a stimulus check. But what did you say about the president? Their name’s Trump? Like the reality show guy? That’s funny. And why are you expecting a stimulus check?
Oh, yeah. Sorry to break it to you. It’s the same guy. He’s president now and is killing us all. He fired the U.S. pandemic response team in 2018, and you’ll never guess what happened. There’s a pandemic! The country’s in quarantine, they’re using Tom Hanks’s blood to find a cure, and everybody’s losing their jobs. So now we’re getting a stimulus that’ll cover like half my rent. So, all fixed, right? Wait, what’s The Lake House?
Wait, you didn’t see The Lake House?
Are you sure? Me and Sandra Bullock, we rent the same lake house two years apart and start sending time-traveling letters back and forth? It’s a romantic drama, really strong script…
Yeah, no definitely doesn’t ring a bell, but that does help explain why I’m getting letters from 2006 Keanu Reeves. I was beginning to wonder.
You were only just starting to question that?
Listen, a lot’s going on, OK? The president is telling people to inject disinfectant and I’ve been locked up for two months. I’m so concerned that my plant’s planning a coup that I started loudly watching chopped salad recipe videos to keep it in line. For all I know, I’m hallucinating and this is just my bank statement.
So just to circle back, The Lake House is not a hit?
That doesn’t appear to be the case, no. Something’s Gotta Give definitely holds up though.
That’s a relief.
Hey, just throwing it out there. You said Sandra Bullock was in this movie too; is she able to send me letters? I want to tell her not to do All About Steve.
No. If you had seen The Lake House, you would know that my character can send letters to the future and her character can only send letters to the past.
Because… I don’t know, the mailbox is magic or something. Just watch the movie.
It just doesn’t seem very plausible to me, that’s all.
Do you hear yourself? You’re telling me America made a game show host president who’s telling people to shoot up Clorox during a pandemic, and MY story doesn’t sound plausible?
Alright, Keanu Reeves, calm down. Hey, here’s an idea: you have all that Matrix money, how about you just send me my $1,200?
Yeah, whatever, might as well. Should I wire it through Western Union?
No, absolutely not. I guess Venmo wouldn’t work either. Please just send a check or cash… I wonder if this time travel thing takes into account inflation?
Alright, here you go. Since I don’t know what my financial situation is when you are, and don’t want a check from 2006 to bounce, I just sent cash.
Awesome, thanks. I don’t think you needed to worry about the check bouncing, though. Just say yes when someone comes to you about doing something called John Wick. I didn’t really imagine that I was more likely to get my federal stimulus money from 2006 Keanu Reeves than the government, but here we are, I guess.