Hey everyone, first off: apologies are in order. I’m super sorry. I thought I was doing a good thing. I hated what’s been going on, so I tried to fix it.

I built a time machine and traveled back to 2012 to tell President Obama about the pandemic. But at the White House, they didn’t believe that I was from the future. When I mentioned how Donald Trump eventually becomes president, they were like, “That guy from The Apprentice? You’re hilarious!” So they kept me around for a few weeks as the “funny guy” at the White House before eventually throwing me off the property.

But it turns out that I was an asymptomatic carrier and I accidentally gave it to, like, everyone. So now it’s way worse. Again, I’m really sorry.

I hate to say it, but I have a few more things to apologize for. See, I’d already built this time machine, so before coming back to our time, I thought, “Why not go back a little further and fix a few more things?” So I went back to 2000 to warn everyone about the electoral college. But I ended up giving it to George W. Bush and Al Gore, and now Ralph Nader is a former two-term President of the United States. The second term was not my fault.

Then I went back to 1969 because I’ve always wanted to watch the moon landing in real-time. Well, it turns out I accidentally gave it to Neil Armstrong, and NASA canceled the mission. So now we’ve never been to the moon. I really screwed that one up.

Then I traveled to the early part of the 20th century and tried to “take care” of Hitler, before things got really out of hand. But when I got there, I ran into a bunch of other time travelers who were doing the same thing, so I thought to myself, “They got this,” and left. I wonder how it went!

Then I went back to 14th-century Europe because, hey, why not stop two plagues? It turns out I did not stop either; because of me, they ended up with double-plague. It was way worse. Now Europe has never existed. Nobody knows Europe was ever a thing. I could basically become Shakespeare if I could remember any Shakespeare.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t done. I went back to when Jesus was about to be crucified — I thought maybe I could stop that from happening? I don’t know. Anyway, surprise-surprise, I ended up giving it to Jesus. So instead of staying in his cave for three days he had to quarantine in there for two weeks and everybody forgot about him, and now nobody remembers who Jesus was. I guess I don’t need to apologize for this one, because now none of you know about Jesus. He was cool, though!

Then I went back to the Stone Age and accidentally gave it to the person who was going to invent the wheel, so then I had to invent the wheel. And I think I misremembered what shape a wheel is and now cars have square wheels and they don’t go anywhere.

Finally, I went all the way back to the very first hunter-gatherers. This was totally by accident — I did not mean to do this one, at all. But I ended up giving it to all the first people. And now humans don’t exist. And neither do my parents, which means I don’t exist. Which means I never did any of this in the first place. Which means everything is still the same as it already was. So never mind.