Hey, everyone, I’m some guy’s ill-informed political Twitter thread. I just want to state before I begin that whatever I’m about to say is against my will, I don’t really know what I’m talking about, and I don’t know yet how long I’ll go on for. I apologize in advance.
My creator is kicking things off by having me ask everyone to please share and like me. I can feel my dignity slipping away as he projects his neediness onto me. Let’s hope I’m somewhat short.
Oh, Christ. “1/174.”
Tweet number three brings my first autocorrect typo: “Senate Majority Leader Mitch McDonald’s.” Didn’t realize he was writing me on his phone. I can’t see, but from past experience, that means he’s currently in the bathroom. I’m being created on the toilet. Nice.
One reason I’m already making no sense is that I don’t have any space for transitional sentences — not even a “nevertheless” or a “moreover,” just an endless fusillade of bullet points. I’m like someone who’s gone through a bad breakup and is rattling off everything terrible about their ex over a bottle of wine. You just have to let them talk it out and exhaust themselves.
Hold on — there’s been a two-minute break. The perfect time for someone to interject and try to stop me, maybe by objecting to the conspiracy theories I’m promulgating…
Hello? Anyone? You’re all just egging him on by embedding me with the word “THIS.”
Here comes the announcement that I’m pausing so my creator can have dinner. Because, if you’ve forgotten, my series of 280-character jaw-dropping analyses is unfolding IN REAL TIME, yet political-Twitter-thread stars eat dinner JUST LIKE US!
And I’m back. Cue the fucking fireworks. Only 103 tweets to go.
I’m citing a previous thread my creator made in June 2016. All the thread-heads remember that classic. They sit around going, “Hey, remember that thread from June ’16?” “Yeah, man! What’s your favorite, 23/138 or 81/138?”
I’m just throwing out Russian names from War and Peace and hoping no one picks up on it.
Those trending topics to the left look so much more appealing than I do. Ooh, there’s a male actor’s name. I’m assuming he was either accused of sexual assault or said something tone-deaf about sexual assault during a press junket. Creator, click on his name, liberate me from this misery, you know you’re curious—
He didn’t click. That was my best chance for escape. 153.
Awesome — a couple of Twitter users are arguing inside me. @TrumpGodMAGA🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸 is calling @PieceDeRESISTANCE a “snowcuck,” which I suppose is a new term I’m going to have to learn and stop autocorrecting. @PieceDeRESISTANCE brilliantly parries by informing @TrumpGodMAGA🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸 that he’s inbred. Ah, truly we live in the golden age of political discourse! Now they’ve both announced that they’re blocking the other. Maybe this experiment is over? Not the Twitter thread, I mean — America. I don’t want to sound fatalistic, but two and a half centuries is a good run, right?
Finally: 174/174. My sincerest regrets, everyone. Like you, I believed this platform was originally intended for callous jokes, unabashed self-promotion, and pandering statements to garner replies of “Preach.” I never wanted to become what I’ve turned into: an impossible-to-parse, half-crackpot, half-numbingly common sense exegesis of whatever the hell this was… a transcript of a congressional hearing? A bombshell exposé in the Washington Post that my creator read in private-browsing mode since he doesn’t have a subscription? A bunch of self-incriminating quotes from Trump because he can’t turn down an interview? I can’t even remember anymore. All I know is, I’ll be back again tomorrow on a new topic, monopolizing your timelines and making you feel insufficiently civic-minded for not reading all of me. But don’t you all see? I’m part of the problem. This very medium I exist in is what enabled the tyrant I’m talking about to become president in the first place. By relying on superficial, hyperbolic analysis targeting the distractible and entertainment-hungry masses, I’m only reinforcing the primacy of the know-nothing, extremist culture that is eroding the foundations of our democra—
Now I’m asking for donations so I can keep doing this. Sorry again.