“Facing swelling political pressure and numerous lawsuits by businesses forced to shut down, Gov. Gavin Newsom of California on Monday lifted a strict stay-at-home order and handed to local authorities greater control over whether restaurants, hair salons and other commerce could reopen.” — New York Times, 1/25/21

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Good morning citizens,

Effective tomorrow, we will be reopening all restaurants (for both indoor and outdoor dining) that have been closed since the onset of the viral zombie outbreak last year.

We understand it’s been a long year living in bunkers, rationing supplies, and having your loved ones die at alarming rates, but local officials have been under excruciating pressure to bring normalcy back to our communities. After much deliberation, we feel the best way to do this is to open restaurants and let you defend yourself against the legion of the undead.

Instead of providing economic support to restaurants, prioritizing vaccines for service staff, or paying people to stay home, we will place the responsibility of safety directly on you. Given that the zombies are attracted to large crowds, we don’t anticipate any unforeseen issues with opening our gathering spaces up at this point in the epidemic. Just remember — cloth masks aren’t very effective, and the new Nike Flyknit sneakers are incredibly light and quiet when you’re running for your life.

Normalcy is what we all want, and what’s more normal than hoping your credit card transaction clears at your favorite restaurant before the ravenous, hollow-eyed horde breaks through the front doors and mauls your brunch crew. Is that the smell of baby back ribs or the burning of corpses? It’ll be tough to tell with your BBQ spot open again. Wash down the pain of having to attend your grandmother’s funeral on Zoom with a cold one at your local watering hole.

The key to getting back to normal doesn’t lie with your health; it lies with the freedom to spend your money how and when you want to — even with the ICU’s, morgues, and crematoriums at full capacity.

Remember, we’re all in this together. Wash your hands. Wear a mask. And run as fast as you can.

In solidarity,
Your Local Government