In a media landscape awash with “fake news,” My Side deserves a sanctuary from the slander and harassment we face from The Other Side. That’s why I’m launching New Media Organization, a political news website committed to providing My Side with cherry-picked opinions presented as objective fact to validate my worldview.

New Media Organization is for patriotic Americans who want breaking news, cutting edge analysis, and an echo chamber to help them become fanatical about issues they’re ill-equipped to interpret on their own. Unlike other journalism outlets, New Media Organization isn’t beholden to corporate dollars; we’re motivated by a commitment to accuracy, truth, and the lockstep ideology that I dictate to my staff.

Will you sign up for my grassroots movement?

Some people say my worldview is wrong, but to that I say, “no.” Those people are brainwashed by billionaires and foreign propagandists. To combat their lies, New Media Organization supplies readers with the latest polls demonstrating that the silent majority prefers My Side to The Other Side. Sure, The Other Side has biased polls that say otherwise, but we all know the truth: The Other Side is on the verge of collapse. The Other Side is always collapsing at New Media Organization!

To learn the facts, I suggest you read one of New Media Organization’s countless think pieces that exist solely to justify my black-and-white understanding of how things should be.

Will you join me?

With democracy in peril, America needs my worldview more than ever. New Media Organization strives to be your go-to source for quotes from Venerated Military Figure/Lionized Politician/Popular Celebrity Activist On My Side. For contrast, we also feature quotes from Disgraced Military Figure/Maniacal Politician/Decadent Celebrity Nutjob On The Other Side, thus proving once and for all that My Side’s brilliance is the only thing that can outshine The Other Side’s betrayal of American values.

Take one look at New Media Organization and, if you have no historical or social framework for what you’re reading, I’m confident you’ll reach the same conclusion.

Part of what makes New Media Organization unique is its emphasis on reporting from the trenches. My writing staff is encouraged to spend all day screaming at people on Twitter. All new employees must complete a rigorous workshop on mastering the art of the ad hominem. We even have a budget set aside for traveling to colleges, recording ourselves asking passersby political trivia questions they can’t answer, and releasing selectively-edited compilations with names like “COLLEGE FAIL! INDOCTRINATED ‘STUDENTS’ EXPOSED.” Every day we’re working toward a better future, where everyone admits I’m right because The Other Side is too ignorant to credibly disagree with me.

Will you fight by my side?

Even though we’re brand new, New Media Organization is already gaining traction. Last week we were endorsed by Angry TV Semi-Journalist, lending us enough credibility to garner a following among the most gullible, spiteful Americans alive. Across all social media platforms, we already have 5,000 more followers than The Other Side’s radical fringe media outlet, Other New Media Organization. But to truly make New Media Organization influential enough that it molds reality into what I believe reality has been all along, we have much work to do.

For New Media Organization to grow, those who share my values must engage with the platform by signing up, buying merchandise, and inundating social media contacts with an onslaught of propaganda. So let’s come together, on my terms, and allow New Media Organization to foster an open, honest dialogue centered around Our Side’s shared principles; but if I detect the slightest bit of dissent, consider yourself blocked.