I don’t want to make things weird, but Jessica, Rachel S., Leah, Shayna, Rachel R., I have to ask—are you guys all, like, running the world without me? I swear I’m not trying to accuse anyone of anything. But I keep hearing about how we control the media and all the world’s financial institutions, and I guess I just feel left out?
I mean, first of all, you guys know that I’ve been working really hard on my screenplay for a while now. If Hollywood exists to do our bidding and install a new world order, why hasn’t A24 produced my Ashkenazi elevated horror film that explores toxic masculinity, Foreskin’s Revenge?
And, like, I keep paying rent? Every month? I just don’t understand why I have to pay for my apartment when apparently we own all the real estate. My rent just went up five hundred dollars. Also, everyone says we’re super good with money and own all the banks, so why do I have $60,000 in student loans for a bachelor’s degree in anthropology? Am I even a member of our tribe or not?
I don’t want to start drama, but it seems like everyone already knew about this whole global domination plot except me. Mel Gibson, Steve Bannon, my incel neighbor, Kyle—I can’t believe you would tell Kyle before me. Even Kanye West was talking about it on Tucker Carlson’s show. It’s just really hurtful.
Okay, listen, I admit when I first heard people whispering about the cabal, it didn’t make sense to me. If we control everything, why have we been exiled and murdered for centuries? What happened to my bubbe’s family in Poland? And why did we let Steven Spielberg make Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull?
But then I heard there are space lasers, and holy shit, that sounds so fucking cool. And now I’m like, wow, I can’t believe that you guys didn’t invite me to blow things up with the space lasers too. Rachel Z., you know that space lasers are an integral part of the plot in Foreskin’s Revenge 2: The Mohel Strikes Back.
I just don’t get it. We did the Electric Slide at my bat mitzvah together. I gave you each personalized bat mitzvah drink koozies. I thought we were mishpucha! So can I just come to one meeting? A trial membership? No worries if not!
But I did hear that Big Pharma is in our pocket, so can I at least get the secret cure for IBS? If I can’t create a global underclass of enslaved people to fill my coffers with gold like a medieval goblin, I would at least like to eat cheese again. That sounds even better than the space lasers.