Tall, skinny. Thinks he’s just “lanky.” Likes climbing (indoor), climbing (outdoor), and his dog. When you meet him, he introduces himself as “Matt, full-stack web developer.” From Chicago, Boston, or Denver — you’re not sure which, but he’s now working at a medium-size startup in SOMA. Has the personality of a rock. But like, a nice rock.
Microdoses at work for “peak performance.” Went to Burning Man to remind himself that he’s more than just another cog in a 50,000-person corporate machine, and now posts nostalgic tweets about “the playa” from the company bus whenever traffic is bad on 101. To distinguish himself from guys like Matt, he adopted firebreathing and knife throwing as hobbies, and is now learning “中文” or “日本語” (but not Korean, because alphabets are for pussies). Firmly believes that cryptocurrency is the future.
Does “bizdev” at a medium-size startup in SOMA. Pays $3.5k/month for a 1-bedroom near Fort Mason. Buys cheap beer “to make up for the rent,” but soon you notice that he frequents the same Blue Bottle as you. When you meet him, the first thing he asks you is “do you Juul?” Shorter in person than he looks in pictures.
Introduces himself as “Bay Area, born and raised” but doesn’t know much about SF except for where the good boba shops are. Likes food, photography, and working out (or as he calls it, “fitness”). Last year, he finally reached his goal of shifting the entire muscle mass of his legs to his chest and arms, and now celebrates by going to raves every weekend. Exclusively dates Asian women.
Sits next to you at your medium-size startup in SOMA. Convinced that the NSA and Google are working together to establish a neoliberal autocracy. Almost got fired after getting in an argument with your CTO about using his own custom-built computer for work and using his work computer to mine crypto instead. Talks incredibly fast. Calls guys like Nick “Chad.” Has never listened to anything you’ve ever said in a meeting.
Describes himself as “a technologist” and “a proud YIMBY.” Complains about the lack of funding for public transit in SF, but exclusively takes Uber/Lyft/Bird to work. Wears Patagonia “for the quality.” Writes blog posts about how tech needs to expand to lower-cost areas, but would never live anywhere that isn’t SF, New York, or Seattle. When you say you’re tired of the high cost of living and tech-centrism in the city, he looks at you thoughtfully and says, “Well, if you want to leave, why don’t you just, like, do it?”