We are thrilled to announce that Murder Beach will be OPEN TO VISITORS this summer. Murder Beach boasts modern seaside amenities, including a brand new three-mile boardwalk that spans the most pristine sand and blue crashing waves that exist anywhere on the east coast. Moreover, a variety of eclectic restaurants, open-air attractions, and quirky novelty markets make even a rainy day time well-spent. There are tidal waves of fun to be had by kids and adults alike!
In anticipation of the fast-approaching vacation season, see below for the most frequently asked questions about Murder Beach.
Should I be concerned that the name of the resort is “Murder” Beach?
Absolutely not. Despite the admittedly off-putting name, Murder Beach is patrolled by a dedicated team of law enforcement personnel. The safety measures and precautions taken are easily equal to, if not beyond, those of any other resort facility in the country.
How did Murder Beach get its name?
Murder Beach was originally named Cape Lily, until a crime was committed here many years ago. Locals dubbed the area “Murder Beach” shortly thereafter. The nefarious nickname stuck. However, due to the unsurpassed quality of beach life, Murder Beach remained a favorite place for nearby residents to relax and enjoy life.
Although a vocal few have sought to rename the area over the years, it’s been decided to not sweep history under the rug. Despite an undeniably bloody singular event, it’s the long history of good ‘ol fashioned fun in the sun at Murder Beach that shall endure.
My Uncle Hank once told me that when he was a kid a debauched clique of sinful, merrymaking delinquents were brutally slaughtered with an axe by an escaped lunatic named Harvey Ward Clementine on the shores of this very beach. Is Uncle Hank’s story true?
It’s no surprise that historical details such as those you mentioned often become quite misconstrued over time. Remember the telephone game from grade school? That being said, yes, there is some truth to your uncle’s tale. Per old newspaper articles and unclassified police documents, only three young persons were mortally wounded, not a “debauched clique” as your twisted Uncle Hank claims. And there was no “sinful, merrymaking delinquents” to speak of, rather a “small social get-together of neighborhood chums.” Otherwise, a runaway patient at the West Mills Insane Asylum did thoroughly dismember those “less fleet of foot.”
I told my young kids they’re going to Murder Beach for vacation. Since, they’ve been plagued by vivid night terrors of being gruesomely slain. How can I talk to them about vacation plans while curtailing their spiraling descent into a lifelong delirium?
Kids are funny, aren’t they? If you’ve ever explained to a child that the scary monster in the hallway is just a creaking floorboard, you can utilize the same template of placation when you justify your seemingly abhorrent choice of vacation destination. The only difference is that the “scary monster” is Murder Beach, and the “creaking floorboard” is a majestic sandcastle on the frothy shoreline, or a giant stuffed panda bear prize at Mermaid Gigi’s Funhouse.
What’s beach protocol if I unearth a bloated corpse in the sand while digging for crabs along the shoreline?
You won’t unearth a bloated corpse.*
*- Theoretically, no one can be totally assured they definitely will not unearth a corpse. But if you do happen to unearth a corpse while digging for crabs… your stay at Murder Beach is on the house. That’s the brand new Murder Beach guarantee: Unearth a corpse and your stay is free.
Does Murder Beach have family rest facilities?
Yes, there are family restrooms every quarter mile along the boardwalk.
I’m a metal detector enthusiast. Is there a designated time each morning when I can hit the beach in search of the gold teeth and silver jewelry of all the undiscovered murder victims? Based on the scuttlebutt, I expect quite a haul.
A name is just a name, people. Murder Beach, like the Outer Banks or Myrtle Beach or the Hamptons, is just another beach. Forget that there were murders here long ago. I’m sure murders have occurred at those other beaches too. They just have more palatable names. The only difference between those places and Murder Beach is that Murder Beach is a better place to vacation. Come see for yourself.
Will I get murdered at Murder Beach?
No. No, you won’t get murdered at… wait… actually, for legal reasons, I’m obliged to state that you are no more likely to be murdered while vacationing at Murder Beach. Although it can’t be stated with 100% certainty that you will not be murdered, or that your family will not be massacred, you will very likely survive your stay. Period. End of story. Okay?
My buddies and I plan to go to Murder Beach for spring break next year. When I go to Murder Beach, and inevitably get murdered, who will break the news to my mother that the terribly mutilated carcass of her only child had to be identified by dental records?
Ha-ha, very funny. But, if by some infinitely small chance that your request is earnest, your next of kin will be notified by the Boondoggle County Police.
Hi. It’s me again, the fellow from a few questions ago. I AM going to get murdered at Murder Beach, aren’t I? Be honest.
It’s not funny anymore… I mean…. damnit… I swear to God, if you keep this up…
I received a congratulatory letter in the mail stating that I’ve won a four-day all-expenses paid trip to Murder Beach. Wow! The coastline looks positively immaculate, the moonlit boardwalk strolls to die for, and the seaside resorts seem awesome. I’m super stoked about winning. I’m just not ready to die.
Life is fleeting. Here’s my advice: You should always be ready to die. And what better way to die then while relaxing on a beautiful beach and gawking at the blazing orange sky as the sun dips into the sparkling Atlantic Ocean? But then the heavens gradually turn red as the blood that squirts from the veins of a hacked-up beach bum, which is exactly your fate, Emily Rubican, a single female living at 287 Woodland Drive.
That’s right, Emily. Thanks for freely giving up all that personal contact information at MurderBeach.com/vacationcontest. I know all about you now, Emily. ALL about you.
Murder Beach’s Inaugural Summer: Die, jerks, die!