My name is Elon Musk, and I’m the CEO of SpaceX — the Tesla of the sky. Together with the engineers and researchers of SpaceX, I’m announcing an important new initiative: We’re going to help you die in space.
Man has long looked up at the stars and wondered: What would it feel like to die up there? Now you have the opportunity to be suffocated by the awesome vacuum of space, just like your ancestors dreamed. Those Apollo 13 guys got close, but chickened out at the last minute. You’re going to finish the job.
I want to help you die in space for one very specific reason: progress. The journey into space begins with a single step — you dying in a fiery blaze. Nobody knows where all these explosions will lead, but I’ve got a pretty good guess. It starts with M, ends with ars, and is where my super-evolved grandchildren will play low-gravity touch football.
Together, we will be heroes. You will be like Buzz Aldrin if Buzz Aldrin had been hit by a bus; I’ll be like Moses if Moses married supermodels. Our fathers will finally be proud of us, and our mothers will finally feel validated, as they’re the ones who knew we were destined for greatness all along. Won’t you please sign up?
Let’s talk details. You probably have some questions about how exactly SpaceX plans to send you into the cosmos in your own billion-dollar metal funeral pyre. I’ve got some answers.
Who is eligible to participate?
Anyone able to handle all the respect and romantic attention they’ll get by signing up.
What is the application process?
Submit a résumé, headshot, and a signed promise that you won’t back out at the last minute like all the others. I’ll get back to you almost immediately — I’m refreshing my email as we speak.
How does it work?
SpaceX has an accelerated training program that teaches you how to say goodbye to your loved ones and hello to infinity. We give you a cool spacesuit that is mostly for show but also partly to cut down on splattering. Your life on the spacecraft will be live streamed on YouTube, and your death will likely spawn a catchy and hilarious auto-tune remix. At SpaceX, we’re all about people.
Will I be working as part of a team?
Yes. Teamwork will help you die even better. You will die so good, and it’ll be because you weren’t just a team; you were a family.
Why do this through SpaceX instead of NASA?
Two reasons: 1) NASA takes too long, and 2) I don’t own them. Do you think NASA would name a Mars settlement “Muskville?” Seriously asking. If anyone has contacts at NASA, ask them to respond to my emails.
Elon, do you want to go first to test it out?
What about my family?
They will be given priority if they also want to apply to the Die in Space Program. They will also be given a lifetime supply of Tesla keychains.
Do I have to sign a waiver?
Did Leif Erikson have to sign a waiver? Intrepid explorers only sign one thing: autographs.
Is this illegal?
There’s only one rule in space: have fun. I would never break this foundational tenet of space law. Because we will have so much fun, this could not be more legal.
Am I guaranteed to die?
We’re all guaranteed to die someday. But yes, you are guaranteed to die within months.
I hope you’ll consider coming on this adventure with me. Well, not with me, but I’ll be there, standing a safe distance away. Once you are in space, I will cut off contact so I don’t get too attached.
This is SpaceX, and these are our dreams. The future is then, we are now, and you are wonderfully mortal.
Billionaire, Innovator, Puppeteer of Tomorrow.