1. I will limit my time on social media to
2 3 4 hours a day, except the 24 hours immediately following new #GoodWife, #Scandal or #RHOA episodes, whereupon I will afford myself an extra 3 hours of viewing time.
2. I will avoid using Google maps to determine whether the white Volkswagen Jetta (license plate # HNY 314) parked on the street in front of my ex’s house belongs to his new girlfriend.
3. I will no longer purchase Groupons for every single new Thai restaurant that opens up within a 30-mile radius of my residence, and next year, I will use all nine of my Groupons for chemical peels.
4. I will quit creating false speed traps and car accidents on Waze just to earn more points.
5. I will no longer relegate all emails from my mortgage holder to my spam folder.
6. I will change my Facebook profile only once a week, and limit the selfies I post to days I get decent haircuts and/or additional eyebrow piercings. I will also stop tagging people who are either intoxicated or appear intoxicated in photos, particularly (but not limited to) supervisors, long-standing customers and in-laws.
7. I will stop lying about cooking the complicated, multi-step recipes I’ve re-pinned to my Pinterest board, except between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, when everyone else is lying about it.
8. I will quit uploading how-to tutorials on the proper usage of Bjore Deep Cleansing Pore Strips to YouTube.
9. I will limit Netflix binge watching between the hours of 10 AM and 1 AM, except on Fridays, Saturdays and holidays. When at any given time I find myself talking to onscreen characters as if they are with me in the living room, I will force myself outside for 15 minutes.
10. For the rare occasions I engage in real life, in-person conversations, I will abstain from relying on verbal hashtags to emphasize a point.