A cute pied-à-terre in the woods with a bed that’s just right for less than $3 million? These were her options.

When Goldilocks told her broker that she wanted an apartment with a medium-sized chair, a bowl of warm porridge, and a bed that was neither too hard nor too soft for less than $3 million, he suggested that she might want to consider New Jersey. “I got rid of him instantly and found another broker,” she laughed.

For Goldie, settling has never been an option. “The real estate market is neither a seller’s market nor a buyer’s market right now. It’s in between, which is exactly how I like it.”

Buying property in an area protected by the Bureau of Land Management meant that Goldie faced steeper prices. Another obstacle was the current housing shortage, especially after the deliberate huffing and puffing and blowing down of several homes that belonged to little pigs. Her second broker explained that if she wanted all three of her expectations met, she had to increase her budget.

“I couldn’t do that,” Goldilocks said. “I knew what I wanted, and I was willing to gentrify a whole-ass forest to get it.”

Her third broker explained that generally when a human moves into a wildlife habitat, a cute family of beavers wearing little vests packs their suitcases and moves out. When animals are priced out of their own dams, the ecosystem loses diversity. But Goldie would hear none of it.

Continuously disappointed in the open-house showings, she decided to help herself to some unorthodox viewings. “Essentially, I walked right into homes that weren’t for sale and took a self-guided tour. Is anyone really going to complain about trespassing when I’m coming in $20k over list?”

Among her options:

No. 1
An Oversized Shoe

A Timberland-constructed work boot that featured a finished basement with reinforced steel toes. It boasted an original factory-made insole and thick shoelaces perfect for a growing family. With five bedrooms, a galley kitchen, and a spacious living room that could accommodate an orthotics insert, the asking price was $1.2 million.

No. 2
A Geodesic Dam

A 1,500-square foot co-op in the middle of a raging river designed to protect against bears and coyotes. Located next to a precipitous drop off, this futuristic build, kept from flooding by an enterprising little Dutch boy, had two rooms for food storage, an oversized living lodge, and a back service entrance to evade snakes. A firm price of $3.7 million and weekly HOA emergency meetings about local hawk encroachment.

No. 3
A Quaint, Cozy Cabin

Nestled in an undisturbed part of the woods, this homey cabin had three chairs, three currently occupied beds, and three bowls of porridge of widely varying temperatures. Every corner had been converted into its own bathroom. An asking price of $2.4 million with maintenance costs of half a dozen recreational campers.

Which Would You Choose?

Oversized Shoe 18%
Geodesic Dam 48% ✅
Cozy Cabin 34%

Which Did Goldilocks Choose?

Oversized Shoe 15%
Geodesic Dam 23% ✅
Cozy Cabin 62% 🆇

Her Home:
Geodesic Dam

Eager to purchase land in an up-and-coming sanctuary against the wishes of all the resident animals, Goldilocks considered the large shoe but ultimately decided that it was too loud. “I’ve got fallen arches and I need an insert that doesn’t sound like an electro-pop hook every time I walk. I said to my fourth broker, ‘Is this what I’m paying you for? To show me a single shoe?’ Needless to say, I fired them.”

Her first choice—the cabin—had three of everything: one perfect option amongst two iterations she absolutely detested. Unfortunately, the deal fell through.

“Apparently, the bears were hibernating and I startled them awake. The littlest bear was upset because he’d never seen how vicious the real estate market can be. I immediately seized the situation and blurted out a number I thought they couldn’t refuse.”

Not only did the bears refuse, they called the police. “I still don’t understand what happened. It was an all-cash transaction, no financing necessary. I was offering five times more per square foot than similar listings in this neck of the woods. You’d have to be an absolute quadruped not to take the money!”

But those bears knew their worth; they had the only place in the neighborhood with a bed that was neither too soft nor too hard.

Goldilocks, chased out of the cabin and needing protection, ran to the nearest shelter, the geodesic dam, and crawled inside. As designed, the house provided a safe haven against large predators. But this meant that she was forced to go beyond her strict budget of $3 million.

She’s taken a few months to adjust to her new place. She especially feels the absence of the Dutch kid whose sole purpose was to plug up the leaky hole with his fat little finger.

“My fifth broker kept telling me that the constant gushing sound coming from the wall is white noise and I’ll get used to it. She said, ‘At least, you have a bowl of porridge that’s just right.’ That was six months ago and frankly, that leak’s like living next to a freeway. I can barely hear my own thoughts. But you know, I’m the proud owner of a bowl of porridge that’s just the right temperature. I had to make a big deal about the porridge!”