We have no money for copies. But our Live, Love, Learn program now includes two Undergraduate Scribe Fellows.

We have no money for raises, but we’ve used the money we would otherwise have spent on raises to hire a Morale Boosting Consultant.

We had to eliminate merit increases, but our president’s life coach swears that extrinsic motivation doesn’t work anyway, and my masseur agrees. Also, our Morale Boosting Consultant has T-shirts!

The science behind extrinsic motivation not working is shaky, according to our psychology adjuncts, but administrators are still getting raises. Think of this as a controlled experiment.

Enrollments are down again this year, but we are building another new building, just in case our enrollments go up.

In related news, we are asking underutilized faculty and staff to volunteer for our Sound Body, Sound Mind Construction Team. By asking, I mean “I will smile and conceal my mailed and spiked fist when I roll this out.” Your pride will be hurt. But the hard hats are on us!

We are cutting departmental budgets by five percent. Hard hats aren’t free. But they will be stylish and functional.

On Prospective Student Day, Admitted Student Day, and Please Don’t Transfer Day, faculty and staff will be expected to don the costume of our beloved mascot, Dolly the Distracted I-Gen Labradoodle. It may get sweaty in there! But our consultants tell us this new policy will reap not only enrollment but also branding dividends. Bow wow!

Our Survey on Campus Climate was poorly designed and administered, and may have been gamed by faculty and student activists. But not to worry: the Seven Action Steps we’re taking in response were conceived six months before the survey went live. Give your Dean some credit, people.

The Seven Action Steps will be tedious and counterproductive. But did I mention enrollments are down? Less grading! Fewer names to commit to memory! Our Morale Boosting Consultant says it’s a wash.

We were compelled to eliminate the Philosophy, English, and History departments. To be frank, in accordance with our Transparency U Initiative, we just don’t get them. So how could our shrinking student body?

We have, however, inaugurated a cutting edge interdisciplinary program, Reading and Its Discontents, staffed by our hungriest adjuncts. We still stand for the liberal arts. The 21st-century liberal arts, which are better and cheaper.

In related bad news, our trustees and most of our high-level administrators have no experience or interest in the field of higher education. But they do have experience and interest in management science. Which is universal.

Management science is not a science, or a form of management. But we have new early retirement incentives.

Yes, higher education is entering rough seas. Our university is no exception. However, thanks to the foresight of our University of the Future Strategic Task Force, we have a life raft. Most spots are reserved for administrators and the international students who are paying full tuition. But there is room for a few faculty members. Compliance is its own reward but may also be rewarded. When it comes to extrinsic motivation, it is sometimes best to hedge one’s bets.

Yes, this is all very stressful. But our Wellness Program is now mandatory.