“Welcome to my apartment! Visitors with claustrophobia, farsightedness, panic or anxiety disorder should refrain from entering. Guests of larger physical size should reassess their architectural standards. The realtor asks that you keep your hands and feet inside ride at all times.”

“Please be mindful of the cat and her ridiculous conspiracy theories.”

“By now you’ll have noticed that this apartment is pretty much one long hallway. The architectural term is ‘railroad apartment’ or more appropriate ‘shotgun apartment,’ a notion you’ll understand within a few more minutes, max.”

“What you’re smelling is burnt garlic. My roommate is going through a viscous tofu scramble phase, which is pretty tame compared to her phase of getting drunk and yelling, ‘I still love The Cosby show!’ at parties.”

“This is my bedroom and it is not where the magic happens.”

“I should probably tell you that the neighbors across the courtyard make magic all the time — which you’ll hear despite attempts to drown them out with the remastered Captain Beefhart album Pitchfork called, ‘too weird, even for us.’”

“Closet functions as a great space for storing seasonal clothing items and bulky incriminating secrets from your past.”

“Given that it’s impossible to turn the heat off inside our little home, life here during winter can be chalked up to a Swedish bathhouse in hell. In the chance you bite the bullet (hah!) and move in, it’s likely you’ll keep the windows open through subzero temperatures and Stephen King-esque thunderstorms.”

“I don’t know what kind of magic happens in my roommate’s bedroom and I’d like it to stay that way.”

“Aside from her unwavering belief that our world leaders, corporate executives and beloved pop songstresses are flesh-eating reptilian anthropoids, the brown and white Maine Coon you’ve seen loafing around has a thing for discarded candy wrappers and abandoned open letters to my fellow millennials about boycotting the term ‘millennial.’ Anyway, if you see the cat rooting around our wastebaskets, can you give her the stink eye?”

“Yes, that’s duct tape holding the bathroom sink together and no, I wouldn’t endorse our maintenance guy on LinkedIn either.”

“Breathing on this towel rack will increase its chances of falling apart by 100%.”

“The window in the shower is great for watching the local meth enthusiast talk at those dumpsters across the street as you deep condition. Oh god, did you just make eye contact?!”

“You’ve made it to the kitchen! Here you’ll see that the floor slopes at angle more fitting of a Hot Wheels racetrack than a space for preparing hot meals. It can’t be more than a 20-degree decline from one side of the kitchen to the other, but man, can this wonky illusion screw with your head! The effects so far have been varied yet demobilizing—vertigo, one rickety dining set and after dancing to Kate Bush’s 1985 hit, ‘Running Up That Hill,’ in preparation for a date with a guy whose Facebook photo was a pancake with googly eyes, two broken toes.”

“A small part of me died here, over there, and behind that flower pot.”

“The cabinets are oddly shallow, but any lack of food storage is recouped by the neighborhood food scene’s eclectic flavor. Take your pick from a desolate Subway franchise, a liquor store commandeered by babbling alcoholics and a bodega whose culinary impact hits hard in mildewed pop tarts and self-serve dirt coffee. If you’re the ‘I have money to burn but wish my carbon footprint was more of a size six’ type, there’s a Whole Foods a mile up the road.”

“The oven is a model from Hasbro’s ‘bewildered twentysomethings living in a deathtrap’ collection. Its unique design combines microwave convection with the courageousness of that one little toaster we all know and love.”

“Stare at that soggy part of the wall if you want to know the true meaning of the phrase, ‘spontaneous dry heave.’”

“Has a piece of furniture peaked your interested during this horrible tour? Leave your number and I’ll speak to my roommate about leaving it behind for your sad future use. No thanks necessary, you’re actually doing us a favor by letting us get out of here as quickly as possible.”

“Laundry’s in the basement, if you’re into that kind of thing.”

“Trigger warning: six months into leasing this apartment and your whole life will start to feel like a trigger warning. Thanks for stopping by!”