Uh-oh, you’re reading the body content of our pandemic response email. Well, this should be interesting, because everything I had to say about COVID-19, I said in the subject line. I mean, what do you expect? We’re Meyerville Farms, not the CDC. So, fair warning: the rest of this email is just stuff I added to make our response look more “substantial” (my manager’s word). Please don’t complain about this on our social channels. I run those, too.

Starting strong, here’s my earnest attempt to write this thing:

At Meyerville Farms, your health is our #1 priority. Because we’re not just a family, we’re a part of your family, too. That’s why we’re continuing to offer a large selection of high-quality meats, cheeses, and gourmet meals, available both at your local supermarket and for online purchase. Also, none of our delectable treats, confections, or sausage platters will give you COVID-19. After all, our #2 priority is making food so good it makes you the star of any family gathering (gatherings you should avoid right now due to COVID-19).

Your safety is important to us. When you step into a Firestone Complete Auto Care center or any of our value-added resellers, you can be sure that our tires are safely manufactured during this pandemic — from our classic DriveProtect collection to our WinterShield line with patented ICEBREAK® technology.

OK, that last paragraph was copy/pasted from a different company’s email. But the spirit of what they’re saying is pretty in line with what I think this email is supposed to do, so we should be good.

Here’s where I kind of run out of steam:

We’ll get through this as a company and as a nation. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, ei albucius reformidans quo. Et nulla tacimates vel. Noster adipiscing vis ex. Agam equidem eos no, habeo aliquip intellegat te eum.

Yeah, sorry, I just lorem-ed ipsum-ed that whole thing. Let’s try a paragraph that just devolves into the lyrics of “This Must Be The Place (Naïve Melody)” by Talking Heads. I’ve been listening to that song a lot lately. I don’t know. I guess I’ve just been feeling kind of low and vaguely nostalgic since this crisis started.

We’re increasing safety measures in response to this crisis. Home is where I want to be. Pick me up and turn me around. I feel numb, born with a weak heart. I guess I must be having fun. The less we say about it, the better. Make it up as we go along.

And now I’m just going to free-write about my ex, Georgia:

Our team is diligent and ready. I remember the way your hair looked in the morning sun, afire. The warm, living smell of your skin before you took a shower. The intimacy of sharing a bed. The vulnerability of being asleep next to you. (Human and human.) The way you hugged me without opening your eyes, as if a bad dream made you reach out for comfort. And I — flawed, broken, and broke — was that comfort.

OK. That’s it. You made it to the end of our COVID-19 email. Now I want to hear more about you! I mean, the fact that you’ve read this email in its entirety tells me so much already. But I want to know details. You see, I’m sort of a writer and I’ve been working on a digital zine that catalogs intimate character studies of real-life oddballs (kind of “People of New York” meets John Waters), and you obviously qualify. Email me, and we can set up an interview. TheAmericanStrange@icloud.com

Oh, one last thing: the CTA. Please, please don’t click to “Learn More” about how we’re putting your safety first in these volatile times. We didn’t have any COVID-specific content on our site to drive to, so I just included a hyperlink to Goatse.