Hello To My Fabulous Editorial Team!!!

This list has everything I need to live my best life!!! Go ahead and make a few cuts — I’m blessed to have so many wonderful things in my life!

— O


Revitalizing Hand Creme by Château France, 5 oz. bottle

The capture and torment of my meddlesome nemesis, the powerful science-mage Dr. Silvanus Vyle

Faux Fur Jogging Vest by Echo

WiFi Smart Picture Frame by PixStar

Lifeforce-sapping electro-shackles made from enchanted diamondwood to restrain Dr. Vyle and drain his occult energies for my own arcane purposes

Sony Noise-Cancelling Earphones to drown out the screams and futile, slurred incantations of the wizard imprisoned in one of your secret sub-basements

A big sword

Rustic mason jars full of the phlegm-like goo secreted by your captive sorcerer, which, when huffed, grant you an extraordinarily long life but also painful visions of a destroyed world that may be Earth

Candles, decorative

Candles, heretical liturgy

Just one unquestioning acolyte who can be dropped into the expanding, mucus-like portal in your basement without coming back sticky and insane

Harry & David Premium Delights Gift Tower for who- or whatever lies on the other side of that viscous gateway, in exchange for granting Oprah dominion over the Earth for 1,000 years

A second, bigger sword for Gayle

Slankets! Slankets for everyone!!! I am the river with no source and no mouth! Slankets!!