The scientific consensus is clear. We’re facing an urgent carbon crisis that is already drastically affecting the world around us. We know that it’s crunch time to save the planet, and corporations like us have a responsibility to help. That’s why our company is taking bold steps to invest in our future. Our distant future.
We are committed to going 100% carbon-free by the year 3000.
Shifting all of our operations to run on only renewable energy is going to be a tough challenge. That’s why we’re giving ourselves a good thousand years to do it.
We’ve been listening. We understand that our current practices are not sustainable. We also understand that changing any one of them would be super inconvenient and would probably cost a lot of money. So, our team labored for minutes and determined that this was the most ambitious we could really afford to get. The key word there: ambitious.
We are proud to help stop rising sea levels. We are honored to bring an end to the worsening floods and droughts ravaging the globe. We are ready to set an environmental goal for ourselves that both defers responsibility to some cyber-schmuck in the distant future and also might look impressive if you scroll quickly past a sponsored headline in your Facebook feed. We love trees.
While it may seem far in the future, the year 3000 is rapidly approaching. In geological time, it’s practically here. Between now and the next millennium, going carbon-neutral will likely become really easy, and we won’t have to do any work. That’s important to us. It’s also wholly possible that people will evolve and be able to breathe in coal fumes, and pollution will become a good thing. Who knows — we may not be scientists, but those words sure sound like science to us.
The climate crisis is worsening every day. But our company has a vision. A bold vision. A vision of the future where people of all races, religions, genders, and creeds collectively give up any hope that the planet can ever be saved and we all just forget about this PR eco-bullshit. Call us dreamers, but we know anything is possible. Heck, our company was started in a garage.
We envision a future where, if ice caps melt and coastlines erode, our company will be there to provide people cheap, plastic innertubes while our leadership team flees to our high-elevation chalets. A future where there exists some sort of trash planet in outer space where all the trash goes so we can just like put all of our trash there or something.
This cleaner, safer, and better world is possible. And our company is ready to begin to build this world for our children’s children — give or take 15 generations. It’s time to get to work.