As America’s most innovative juice cleanse and meal substitute company, we at JuiceMash have never been afraid to think outside of the box. Now, we are proud to announce our newest partnership: As of next month, we will be the official corporate sponsor of the cresting wave of human rights abuses occurring all across the world.

JuiceMash is always looking to disrupt the status quo. Outside of Squeeeeze®, our patented juice cleanse formula, nowhere has there been more disruption of the status quo than in the abuse and destruction of vulnerable populations worldwide. Enforcing a police state used to require enormous manpower and plenty of hard work; now, thanks to technology, denying rights to a group of people en masse is a lean, efficient operation — and one that has created new opportunities for bold innovators. Venture capital firms and surveillance technology companies have already moved into this new market space, and JuiceMash is ready to lead the way in the food and beverage industry.

This is a true win-win-win, with a potential for even more win. As paramilitary forces round up minority populations by the thousands and send them to re-education camps, authoritarian regimes need to find healthy, efficient, and affordable ways to feed their new “customers.” Let’s not beat around the bush: Everyone knows how much regular prison food sucks! The No Frills® Meal Substitute is as easy as it gets: just add water to the individually pre-packaged formula bag, and brainwashing will never be the same again. Each portion of No Frills ® contains essential vitamins and nutrients for keeping an individual alert and focused as he or she learns about the wonders of the ruling party, and our protein-packed yet meat-free meals reduce global meat consumption and animal cruelty with every bite. Most importantly, there’s no need to worry about clean-up: our packets are entirely organic and biodegradable, perfect for remote desert locations where re-education camps are being built.

From its humble origins in a Palo Alto garage, JuiceMash has grown exponentially. Our Problem Solver® Juice Cleanses now come in four bold flavors: Lemon, Orange, Passionfruit, and Soylent, and our scientists are hard at work developing a fifth. We have already helped millions of Americans clear out the bad elements ravaging their insides — now we’re ready to do the same for nondemocratic regimes the world over. Although we are headquartered in the United States, this latest sponsorship is another step toward fulfilling our goal of disrupting the status quo concept of the “nation-state” and becoming a truly international company.

Some of our shareholders have expressed hesitation at the idea of our company sponsoring human rights abuses, including nonstop surveillance, concentration camps, and even mass killings. These concerns are important to us, and we thought long and hard about this sponsorship decision. Ultimately, we decided to proceed as planned. We at JuiceMash care about people, but if we don’t seize this opportunity to put our brand on genocide, another juice cleanse and meal substitute company will. In the highly competitive and globalized economy in which we operate, it’s either cleanse or get cleansed.

We know that this strategy carries more risks than a normal advertising campaign, and will therefore maintain a diverse portfolio. In addition to our new work rebranding human rights abuses, we will continue to be the official corporate sponsor of minor-league hockey team the Rochester Americans (get your bobbleheads on December 10th!), two cars on the 1/2/3 subway line, and one Adopt-A-Highway mile-long section of the Garden State Parkway in Bergen County, New Jersey, which we have been proud to adopt for the last three years. Our charity work and neighborhood engagement is particularly meaningful to us at JuiceMash, as it shows that is possible to create a great product while also giving back to the community.

I hope you will share in my excitement about this next step for our employees, shareholders, and customers. The 21st century is in full swing, and we will be leading the charge.