We all know about the rising cost of healthcare, so this year the company has instituted a new and improved wellness program. You’re here to participate in the biometric exam. No pencils needed — that’s a joke!

Please take off your clothes, so we can weigh, measure, and scrutinize your unseemly body. I’ll just write these numbers down on this chart next to the correct numbers, which as you can see you are nowhere near.

Next, we’ll hook you up to this brain scanner and blood pressure cuff and conduct some stress tests. Please put on this VR headset, and we’ll take you through a series of meetings.

This first one is where the project manager mangles the retelling of your idea. When others point out the inconsistencies, he agrees it’s an unworkable solution and tells you to start all over.

Here you are at a meeting you called to discuss a plan no one understands because they wouldn’t read your emails. Someone asks, “Couldn’t we have done this over email?”

Okay, finally you’ll experience a real-time reply-all email thread where everyone keeps replying all to thank the person who sent the email, ask an unrelated question, or demand everyone take them off the email chain.

Alright, I’ll make some notes here about your elevated blood pressure and erratic synapse function.

Now, we’ll draw some blood for a series of tests, but while we’re here would you be interested in donating some plasma to the CEO’s personal plasma hoard? With the high cost of concierge physicians, even the CEO has to find ways to save.

Having done fifty of these already this morning, I can you tell the results right away.

Congratulations, you’ve qualified for our super-high deductible plan! This plan, which covers almost nothing, comes with its own savings account so you can squirrel away your very own money and invest it in the thing that matters the most — your health. And now that you’ve got skin in the game, you won’t be wasting money with frivolous medical expenses. You’ll think twice about going to the hospital only because you have chest pains. Who wants to pay to find out they’re due to gas or financial-stress-induced panic attacks? And just think, if you wait and actually do experience heart failure, then your disaster policy will kick in and pay for a good third of the cost (assuming the ambulance takes you to a hospital in-network).

New this year: telehealth care! For a reasonable fee, a doctor (for all you know) will stare at you over Skype for a few seconds and then tell you to suck it up or prescribe you some opioids.

More great news, you’ve qualified for our wellness incentive discount, $30 off your $3000 monthly fee for the super-duper high deductible plan! All you have to do is:

  • Lose 25 pounds
  • Supply us with your 23andMe DNA results
  • Live-stream your colonoscopy on the company Slack channel

Thank you! Together we can all have a healthier, happier work environment.

Please drop the rectal thermometer in the bin on your way out.