MICHAEL: I had a sex dream about Michael Cohen last night.
ALEXANDRA: You and your bad boy fetish. That dream is likely your subconscious mourning the loss of Luke Perry. On the plus side, I’m proud of you for not including a single freshman democratic member of the House in your fantasy. When it comes to inappropriately sexualizing the players in the Greek tragedy that is the fall of our democracy, you chose the least-offensive option.
MICHAEL: That was my nickname in the dorm, actually: Michael Least Offensive Option.
ALEXANDRA: WE HAVE TO GO HOME.
MICHAEL: Oh c’mon. That was a joke. You’re shutting me down faster than Twitter shut down Mark Meadow’s “but he employed this black woman” argument. Besides, the cleaning ladies are probably at our place by now.
ALEXANDRA: THAT IS WHY WE HAVE TO GO HOME. RIGHT NOW. The nightstand…
MICHAEL: I’ve told you before, it looks decorative. No one can tell that hunk of polished acacia is a sex toy. And if they can? SO WHAT?! International Women’s Day is this week! Celebrate your sex!
ALEXANDRA: You mean, “celebrate your sexuality.” Or maybe you mean “celebrate your gender”? Either way, I’m quite sure you’re misusing the term “sex” in that instance. BUT WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS DEBATE.
MICHAEL: You know, people are now listing “naturally lit sex dungeons” as amenities in their real estate listings. We live in sex-positive times, babe. Gender-fluid AND sex-positive.
ALEXANDRA: Tell that to the United Methodist Church, BABE. Stop interrupting and hear me, Michael! Home. Now. I meant to rearrange my to-be-read pile after scraping Kittery’s hairball out of the sisal rug, but I think I flaked when the news alert came in about the Senate blocking 45’s State of Emergency. I mean, maybe I’m being paranoid and Becoming is already on top…
MICHAEL: As Michelle always should be! Hey, should we start using Mx. as our prefixes? Or can only one half of a couple use it? Can you pluralize it? Like instead of “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” do you say “Mxs. Smith?” Does it sound tantalizing dominant, or is it just me? You know what we should try after that covert cocktails thing tonight?
ALEXANDRA: OH, FOR THE ELOQUENCE OF ELIJAH CUMMINGS! What is UP with your sex obsession today? Can’t you think about anything else?
MICHAEL: I can. But maybe YOU can’t. Is that why you’re so obsessed with the cleaning ladies rifling through your nightstand? Are you worried an ethically sourced stimulator will have them thinking you can’t achieve the big O without help from Ms. O? It’s far more likely they’ll think that Erotic Stories for Punjabi Widows is actually erotica. And isn’t New Erotica for Feminists in that pile, too? In that context, I’ll concede that maybe a phallic hunk of wood doesn’t pass as “decorative" after all.
ALEXANDRA: No. Worse. I’m pretty sure that memoir from the single mom living in poverty while cleaning houses is on top. Wouldn’t it be way too meta to have our maids dust our copy of Maid? It feels gross.
MICHAEL: We hired individuals, not a service, so we know they’re getting a living wage. We give bonuses at Christmas. We still pay if we cancel last minute. I think we are amazing clients! It’s not like they have to deal with anything super gross at our place. Kittery keeps an immaculate litter box. Oh! But if we do beat them there, I’ll leave a note. I read in the local neighborhood FB group that they should really be changing our linens as part of their service.
ALEXANDRA: Sounds like the book should be living on YOUR nightstand. WAIT. This dream of yours last night…would you call it “satisfying?” Do we NEED clean sheets?
MICHAEL: You know, I would totally listen to a podcast documenting and dissecting all of the crimes 45 has inadvertently admitted to via his late-night rage tweets. They could call it, Nocturnal Admissions. And just for the record you certainly COULD put the book on MY nightstand. There’s plenty of room. Because I always remember to put MY porn away.
ALEXANDRA: Based on your dream last night, your porn is C-SPAN. When I came to bed last night you were coddling the remote like 45 coddled the flag at CPAC.
MICHAEL: It’s not that I want to ingest news coverage all the time, but I just can’t stop. Central America. Central Asia. It’s as though, having abdicated our responsibilities as global policemen… well, I don’t want to sound too self-important but the world is going to…
ALEXANDRA: That’s why we have to remember to focus on good things, too. Life is short. Sometimes you have to stop and ask yourself, “What would Dylan McKay do?”
MICHAEL: Make a lot of questionable life choices, refer to his love interest as “babe,” and yet somehow everyone would still root for him.
ALEXANDRA: … not unlike Michael Cohen. Okay, I’m starting to see it now.