“It turns out capitalism is alive and very well… We’re making serious progress to ensure that it works the way it’s supposed to work for the good of the American people.” — President Biden in a press conference, Business Insider, 7/19/21

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As the old saying goes, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it or see if it needs any upgrades, tune-ups, or tire changes for another two hundred years.” Here at the Ministry of Magic, we feel confident reassuring our witch and wizard citizens that our system is alive, well, and working just fine.

I know what you’re probably thinking: Another Harry Potter metaphor? It’s the gift that keeps on giving. But Harry Potter won’t always be there to save us. It is up to us to forge a brave, new and sustainable future by doing the same exact thing we have done for the last three centuries.

As the new head of the Ministry during this trying time, I am not glossing over the fact that there is a lot of work to be done. The He Who Shall Not Be Named years certainly did a number on our infrastructure, morale, general reputation, and death rates; we must ensure that we learn from the past and move forward with a bold commitment to creating a more equitable and progressive future for the next generation of witches and wizards.

But not that bold of a commitment.

Let me put it this way: The door to progress is deadbolted, alohomora isn’t doing jack shit, but we’re going to keep whacking our wand on that doorknob anyway. Modern-day wizards and witches face widening inequality gaps, Gringotts was busted for predatory lending, and being an apparition examiner just doesn’t pay like it used to.

The average cost of rent per month has risen to 27 galleons a month, but the minimum wage is still 12 knuts an hour. Eeylops Owl Emporium has expanded into the e-commerce space. It has effectively taken over Diagon Alley, and the only citizens who can afford to live there are Gringotts executives and the founder of MadameMalkinsRobes.Shein.com.

But it’s all okay because we have a timid plan to make the world a better and more fair place by 2065. We will close the wealth gap by increasing the minimum wage by one knut every two years, and we will tackle corruption within the Ministry by completely covering it up.

We cannot move forward without making some serious changes, but we also cannot make any serious changes because that’s hard. And it’s not like we have a magic wand. Well, I suppose we have a lot of those, but for the sake of capitalism and bureaucracy, let’s just pretend those don’t exist.

Dementors are somehow catching on fire, St. Mungo’s is overrun with a rare strain of scrofungulus that is rampant because the Ministry spent years brain-washing half the wizarding world that disease can only be transmitted through close wand contact, and that robe you bought off Madame Malkin’s Shein looked a lot different in the picture.

But it’s all fine because the Ministry is back to normal. And normal is exactly what we need in these unprecedented times.