Dear Guests,

Your choice to stay at the Ecopod Habitat Biotel by Marriott demonstrates a loyal commitment to protect our fragile environment. This welcome card highlights important features of our latest innovations. It also provides suggestions so you can make even more responsible decisions about your behavior while staying with us.

Our elevators have been designed to run on a countervailing weight system, meaning the more people in the lift, the faster it will operate. Think of it as a vertical HOV lane, where we reward you for efficiency. If you’re alone and on the lighter side, why not take it a “step” further and use one of our award-winning stairwells to access your room? You will be delighted to discover that every one of our stairwells feature low/no VOC paint, handrails made from sustainable tamarindo, and convenient resting and rehydration stations on all landings above the third floor.

We hope you enjoy the warm, comforting light provided by the low-efficiency LED bulbs. Their current level is set to “soothe,” and that’s as bright as they will go. We at the Biotel believe that a hotel should not only be tranquil but also, dare we say, a touch intimate. If you accidentally bump into another guest in the hallways, well, isn’t that just another way for strangers to become friends? If you are truly unable to find your way around, use the pupil dilating drops provided in your welcome kit. Note how relaxed your eyes feel after the stinging goes away.

A towel on the rack means, “I will use again.” A towel on the floor means, “I’m cleaning the floors.” A towel hung on the rack with one point facing down means, “Please place a jade bonsai underneath so that any spare drips will be returned to the planet in an effortless cycle of renewal.” A towel hung outside your window with the Sun Flag up means, “Mother Nature is helping dry my towel. Please give me ten free Pod Points.” A towel in the shape of a bird’s nest means, “I wish to increase my environmental commitment. Turn off the water to my room. I will compost my waste in the outdoor communal pile. I will block body odor by rubbing lemon wedges inside my armpits.”

We are confident that the majority of our eco-savvy guests are resourceful enough to enjoy a completely paper-free stay with us. Should you require more traditional bathroom comforts, please contact the reception desk to request a roll of certified sustainable Slow Paper™, milled from native trees grown in a small nature preserves located in the home state of each Biotel property. Because of the complexities of the milling process and habitat restoration efforts our growers employ, we ask for a two-week lead time for each roll requested.

The key to an enjoyable stay is in the attention to details, like fresh pillow mints to start your day. But did you know that the energy needed to produce pillow mints for just one hotel is equivalent to the energy you would need to drive a Lincoln Town Car to Jupiter and back… twice? If you would like to eat your entire mint in the morning, we will gladly replace it with a new, albeit smaller one. However, perhaps you could just suck on the mint a little, only as much as is necessary, then store the uneaten portion in the reusable bamboo-linen pouch provided on your nightstand. Doing so will signal to our housekeeping staff that you are willing to do your part to reduce the harmful emissions of the Shenzhen Happy Food and Confectionery Corp. production facility.

Have you noticed the struts underneath your bed? Oftentimes, our connection to the Earth Mother manifests in a primal way. The struts harness your and your partner’s motions, sending them to a power grid underneath your Biotel. We must say, it gives us a surge of pride to see the grid light up at night.

Your Bible has been condensed to the most salient twenty-three lines—largely excerpted from Psalms and Matthew, which most scholars agree contains the best stuff anyway— printed on the back of this card.

Forgot something? Give the front desk a call by whispering through the air vents (don’t worry, we identify where each whisper is coming from). Didn’t remember your toothbrush? We’ll gladly bring you a branch from a miswak tree. Bite a little off the end and chew on the fibers, which contain a natural source of fluoride. Need a razor blade? Our razors are so sharp, you won’t even believe they’re another part of the versatile miswak. Its sap acts like a kind of shaving cream. If you need an adhesive bandage, there’s no better substitute than letting one of our experienced waitstaff grind the miswak’s leaves to a sticky paste. As it does its healing over the course of a month, the paste dries and flakes away quite peacefully.

Each room is equipped with two StayClean Luxury Life™ suits, constructed of clear, environmentally-safe polymers, that can be worn at all times while you are on the Biotel’s premises. Once your suit is inflated, you will find that there is ample room inside of it to eat, drink, or engage in any other activity that might dirty the surfaces in your room and require us to use toxic cleaning products. StayClean Luxury Life suits are also designed to be zipped together, giving you and your partner the freedom to express your love for one another while keeping our mattresses clean and contributing to our strut-tied electrical grid. Many guests enjoy using our StayClean Luxury Life suits so much that they ask if it’s possible to take them home. Absolutely! You are welcome to keep your suit—or not to wear it at all during your stay—but please be aware that in either case a charge of $150 will be added to your final bill.

Thank you so much for staying with us. This card can be eaten.