“I just want to find 11,780 votes, which is one more than we have. Because we won the state… I only need 11,000 votes. Fellas, I need 11,000 votes. Give me a break.” — President Donald Trump during a phone call with Brad Raffensperger, Georgia’s Secretary of State, Washington Post, 1/3/21

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Some people are nobody’s enemies but their own, but for some reason, I seem to be everyone’s enemy. Me, just a poor, lonely commander in chief, wandering the mean corridors of the West Wing with only the protection of dozens of armed Secret Service agents, an armored motorcade, and the Justice Department’s policy of not prosecuting sitting presidents to protect me. I am only asking for a little sympathy.

Please, sir, I just want 11,780 more votes.

I am nothing but a young boy of 74 years, who knows little about the world outside of golf courses, my resort in Florida, and for some odd reason, Bedminster, New Jersey. Thrust into a life of petty crime and later on some potentially much more serious crime, I had no choice but to fend for myself by blaming everything on those around me. I have never asked for any help until now. You must understand, sir, that nothing has ever been handed to me. Not the millions of votes that were not for me but which I have claimed as my own, the hundreds of millions of dollars I inherited, or even the clothes on my back. I’ve never dressed myself in my entire life.

I have spent the last four years as a squatter in a squalid house teeming with mice, cockroaches, and my children.

To do a great right, you may do a little wrong; and you may take any means which the end of your shivering one-term president being re-elected for a second term will justify. There is already widespread fraud, but this time it will be for a good cause. I am not ashamed to ask for help in securing an election that I have already won.

Good sir, all I am asking for is a few more votes to overturn the results of an election that I so clearly won. If I have to get down on my hands and knees and find these votes myself, I won’t, but Rudy Giuliani will.

I am simply starving for votes, sir. I trust that you are an honest man running an honest operation, but I can’t help but wonder why you won’t just give me the votes I need so I can be on my merry way. It makes a boy think there may be something nefarious happening down in Georgia. I may be just a little orphan president who is very small and innocent and small, but I am still a president, and you are taking a big risk here, denying me the votes I so desperately need to live.

I will ruin you.

I may not have much in my humble abode, but what I do have are numbers and logic. I may be but a small, weak boy who has lived off the Chick-fil-A scraps of others, but I know for certain that we have anywhere from 250 to 300,000 ballots that were dropped mysteriously into the rolls. It’s really a very sad thing. You had 4,502 voters who voted but who weren’t on the voter registration list, as well as 18,325 vacant address voters. Add those together, subtract 5, divide by 3, and take the square root of 4.5, and you end up with 11,780.

Just think what will happen in two weeks if you don’t give me 11,780 votes. I will be locked away in a tower on an island, surrounded by journalists and poor people. I will slowly wither away until there is nothing of me left. Is that really the terrible fate you wish to befall an innocent and old man-child?

Please, sir, just a few more votes. I am all alone in this world. No one will return my calls. Not even Mark Burnett.