LOUD, BOOMING VOICE: What do you need to know about Criss Angel, the Mindfreak?


Yes, he is the awesomest person in the known universe. He embodies intensity, democratic values, and true “bad-assery.” He voted Gore in 2000. He said, “I would have voted Copperfield if he wasn’t such a pussy!” Snap.


He believes in welfare reform, Jim Morrison, and that he can get hit by any vessel you can think of (the Red October, the Hindenburg, Megadeth’s tour bus, anything)—and totally survive.


He would have chosen fellow magician Lance Burton as head of FEMA “a long time ago.” For Burton can make “your nightmares, your souls, and pretty much anything made of water”—AHEM—"disappear, forever …"


Yes, that is his real jet-black hair. And yes, he is from East Meadow, New York—although some have claimed he’s from the fiery pits of the Seventh Circle of HELL! Iris Weinshall, wife of that pansy Chuck Schumer, once said, “Criss Angel is a messenger of Satan.” Yeah, a totally buff messenger of Satan who will be your voice, nay, your dragon’s breath in the WHITE HOUSE!


The master provocateur also inspires awe as he challenges Karl Rove, challenges Dick Cheney, challenges WMD claims, and makes a small poodle float four inches above the streets of Washington, D.C., THE NATION’S CAPITAL!


If he ever lets you down, America, you can personally burn him ALIVE! And he will, of course, accept full responsibility and let the fire actually burn him this time. Not like 2005, when he totally was burned alive on the streets of Las Vegas, and TOTALLY LIVED!!!!!


If he ever met Osama bin Laden, he’d challenge him to a trash-can-POOF-I’m-on-a-balcony-over-here stunt. Will bin Laden step up, or will he hide in his “bitch-ass cave like the bitch that he is!”? Would John McCain talk to bin Laden like that? Would Hillary “I Hate Illusions” Clinton? No, there is only one: Vote Mindfreak for president.

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This message was indeed paid for by the People for Electing Criss Angel, Mindfreak, in 2008’s Presidential Election.