ALEXANDRA: A year. How can it already have been an entire year?
MICHAEL: How can it have been only one? It feels like this presidency has been running longer than Friends in syndication. Despite quadrupling the retinol in my skin-care regime, I think I’ve aged a decade in the last twelve months.
ALEXANDRA: 365 days ago I stepped into a polling booth. I spent the next three weeks in the fetal position. I feel like I’m always going to experience PTSD on this day for the rest of my existence. To be fair though, after a quick glance through the latest headlines it looks like that might not be very long. I can’t decide if that makes me more or less interested in reading this book on Swedish death cleaning.
MICHAEL: Dear God, that’s not the title is it? While a more frightening read by far, at least the Paradise Papers SOUND pleasant — like an industry term for those bodice-ripping, historical erotica paperbacks they sell at grocery stores. Is death cleaning like Survivor: Kon Mari?
ALEXANDRA: Actually, it kinda is. But with older people. And fewer torches. I guess. I’ve never actually watched Survivor.
MICHAEL: You wouldn’t be the woman I married if you had. Unscripted, my ass. I bet those writers spent less time steering that non-actor dialogue than the Friends’ writers did for that scene where Chandler, Ross and Joey play Bamboozled during the baby shower!
ALEXANDRA: Has someone been binge-watching old Friends episodes to escape from the shit show that is the destruction of our democracy?
MICHAEL: Says the woman with a copy of Bad Feminist gathering dust on her nightstand and an iTunes receipt for the entire series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Full disclosure though? Friends was much whiter than I remember.
ALEXANDRA: Buffy was the consummate 3rd-wave feminist. And I won’t let you forget how homophobic your precious Friends was. Just like Facebook won’t let me forget how optimistic I was a year ago.
MICHAEL: Speaking of things from the past, let’s stay optimistic. There were some pretty big wins last night. And I’m sure loads of good things happened on this day historically. Alexa, google “on this day.”
ALEXANDRA: There better not be a goddamned Alexa in here, Michael.
MICHAEL: Oh c’mon, Alex. You know how they say never go grocery shopping hungry? Well, now with this Amazon merger mess, I can’t go to Whole Foods while my Apple Watch is installing a system update. Besides, typing is hard. And we all know that YOU don’t respond to spoken commands very well.
ALEXANDRA: I don’t respond to patriarchal commands in general, oppressor. You know this isn’t making me feel any better, Michael. Having an Alexa would be even more confusing than when we started dating and I was rooming with that girl Alexis and your entire fraternity thought you were dating her instead. And you played it up like you were dating US BOTH. Remember that, Michael. I do. And don’t think I’ve forgotten that time you called out HER name in the dark, either.
MICHAEL: Alexis was such a Phoebe. But not you with that Monica relatability and your sexy Rachel haircut. You were hotter than sriracha and I still had the digestive tract to handle spices. Remember at the end of season four when Ross said Rachel’s name at the altar instead of Emily’s? TALK ABOUT SPICY. Now THAT was some good television.
ALEXANDRA: Do you honestly think this is helping your case?
MICHAEL: Fair point. Please hand me that laptop.
ALEXANDRA: Michael, google “on this day.”
MICHAEL: You’ll always be my primary user, love. Ah look! The MoMA opened to the public on this day eighty-eight years ago. That’s nearly a century of elephant dung, pornographic images, and world re-interpreting. That’s something to celebrate.
ALEXANDRA: Even 45 can’t destroy art. He can just abolish its funding. But some might even say he’s done more for art by shaping and inspiring so many new, young artists and challenging those already more established. Tell me something good that happened for the marginalized.
MICHAEL: On this day in 1775, John Murray, Royal Governor of the Colony of Virginia, started the first emancipation of slaves in North America! How about that? In ‘67 the first African American mayor of a major American city was elected… in Cleveland! What else for minorities… first governor in NYC, first governor in Virginia. Not too shabby!
ALEXANDRA: What about women? Anything? Or is this the most misogynistic day in American history?
MICHAEL: Yeah, ok. That’s thinner. Um… Mary Robinson became the first woman president of Ireland. And Marie Curie was born.
ALEXANDRA: AMERICAN, MICHAEL. At this point, Thailand is more progressive on woman leaders than this country.
MICHAEL: Joni Mitchell was born?
ALEXANDRA: Weak. Especially since she disavowed feminism like five years ago. She took that “Both Sides, Now” thing too far.
MICHAEL: “In 1893, Colorado gave women the right to vote. It was the second state to do so.”
ALEXANDRA: So what I’m hearing is we’re just tumbling backwards. As Joni would say, “Help me, I think I’m falling.”
MICHAEL: So did you vote yesterday?
ALEXANDRA: OF COURSE I VOTED, MICHAEL. IT’S MY GODDAMNED CIVIC DUTY. Besides, reading up on that Republican congress woman who says she was abducted by aliens that looked like the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio? Internalized misogyny or not, I can’t help watching that train wreck.
MICHAEL: Hey, at least there’s a Republican running that has something nice to say about South America?
ALEXANDRA: I repeat, “Help me, I think I’m falling.”
MICHAEL: Look, so far we’ve lasted longer than Manafort, Flynn, Priebus, Scaramucci, Spicer, Bannon, Gorka and Price. I think we can do this.
ALEXANDRA: Me, too. Even those two words have more meaning than they did even a month ago.
MICHAEL: Don’t worry. I’ll protect you from all the lecherous men in power.
ALEXANDRA: Good luck protecting me from 45. Anyway, the whole point, Michael, is that I shouldn’t NEED protecting. I’d settle for some damned respect. And if you stop and think it through, if THAT many women are posting #metoo on social media, odds are one of them is talking about you.
ALEXANDRA: Yes you, Mister “they’re both chicks with A-names so why bother figuring out the difference?” Also I believe your brothers called you Captain “No Schlitz if we don’t see your tits.” And that’s just what I saw in a strictly non-professional situation. You have definitely used your privilege over women. As your beloved Monica once said, “Welcome to the real world. It sucks.” Also note, she was never Bill Clinton’s intern despite their name similarities.
MICHAEL: If I did cause someone to share a #MeToo story, then I owe them the sincerest apology for…
ALEXANDRA: DO NOT TRY TO SPACEY YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS.
MICHAEL: Oh for the love of Jeff Flake I DID just Spacey, didn’t I? I guess I’m on the defensive. It feels like you’re Weinstein-ing me.
ALEXANDRA: I’m not even Fierstein-ing you. Relax. I know you aren’t that guy anymore and what you did was out of ignorance. And I’m fairly confident you don’t have any Israeli spies on payroll. But you’re still taking back that damn Alexa.
MICHAEL: Fine. You know you’re the only woman I’d ever sexually harass, right?
ALEXANDRA: If that’s your idea of a joke, you better spend your Alexa refund on a potted plant.