“Hello, G.I. You are young. I am young. We should not die. We should have long lives, with marriage and children. We were not meant to be here. It’s not you, it’s me. I think we should start seeing other people. I will always love you.”

“Hello, G.I. You now have forty-five minutes to put down your arms and surrender. If you do not, Chinese soldiers will kill you and you will not be able to go to Monkees reunion concert. Call now, tenth caller wins tickets. You have forty-three minutes.”

“Come on, baby. Nobody around. Loosen up a little. I’ll bet that Mao jacket look a lot better on the floor— Hey! Is this thing on?”

“Hello, G.I. This dedication goes out to Johnny of E Company from Rita: ‘I love you, Johnny!’ Sorry, Rita. Johnny was blown to little tiny bits by Chinese soldiers yesterday. Ha ha ha! Give up, G.I.!”

“Hello, G.I. Chinese army has racks and racks of stacks of wax, rockin’ to the— Hey! Where is stupid record girl? She left records lying around without sleeves! And on top of each other! Upright! Store upright!”

“Hello, G.I. I will now play ‘I Fought the Law (and the Law Won)’ over and over until you give up.”

“Hello, G.I. It is time for this town to get down! You have got Johnny… Doctor Johnny Fever, and I am burnin’ up in here. Whoa! We all in critical condition, babies. But you can tell me where it hurts, because I got the healing prescription here from the big KRP musical medicine cabinet. Now, I am talking about your 50,000 watt intensive care unit, babies! So just sit right down, relax, open your ears real wide and say, ‘Give it to me straight, Doctor, I can take it!’”