It has been brought to our attention that our chapter on “appropriate times to pardon oneself” is no longer current. Please direct your attention to the updated list below, with amendments in bold:
You require someone’s attention.
You make unintentional physical contact with another person.
You need to interrupt someone in conversation.
You are dining and need to leave the table.
You need to ask someone to repeat himself or herself.
You arrive late to an engagement.
You sexually assault as many as 11 women.
You defame the porn star with whom you had an extramarital affair.
You conduct business with families linked to the Italian-American Mafia.
You destroy evidence in defiance of court orders.
You incite violence against nonviolent protesters.
You engage in voter intimidation.
You withhold tips from your catering staff.
You knowingly and intentionally defraud students of your university.
You make illegal use of charity organization funds.
You solicit political contributions from foreign officials.
You offer employment in exchange for an endorsement.
You funnel campaign contributions to your own companies and family.
You break hundreds of contracts by withholding pay from workers.
You find yourself on the receiving end of a Special Counsel investigation that has initiated 22 criminal proceedings to date, including several counts against those previously under your employ.