There are many easy ways to protect yourself from the coronavirus now that you’ve burrowed deep below the Earth’s crust and been taken in by an ancient race of mole people.
Here are seven simple things you can do to help you stay safe in the underground city-state of Co’rtr’axia.
Wash Your Hands
Thorough handwashing is your best line of defense against the coronavirus, especially when you live nine miles below the Earth’s surface in a sprawling, filth-ridden subterranean maze. Always wash your hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds, or long enough to sing the mole people’s national anthem “O, Co’rtr’axia (May The Sun Never Shine On Thee)” two times.
If soap and water are not available, use a hand sanitizer with at least 60% alcohol — saliva from mutual grooming behavior is no substitute.
Don’t Touch Your Face
It’s hard to avoid it when you’re surrounded by creatures that use face-touching as one of their primary modes of communication, but try not to touch your face as much as possible.
As an alternative, consider learning Z’orx, the official spoken language of the mole people, or try “scent chatting” using one of the baffling odor-emitting computer terminals scattered throughout the city.
Keep Your Distance
Whether you’re attempting to navigate Co’rtr’axia’s vast network of pitch-black tunnels or waiting in line for your daily ration of mechanically separated grubworms, try to maintain at least six feet of space between you and the mole people around you at all times.
If one of them gets too close, let them know by baring your teeth and emitting a series of high-pitched squeals. Alternately, you can shine your headlamp directly into their eyes and let their natural aversion to sunlight do the work for you. You might also try flailing wildly and screaming something like, “Get away from me, mole people!”
Minimize Travel to the Earth’s Surface
Occasional trips to the Earth’s surface are unavoidable, but they should only be made for essential items like groceries, medication, and the small, polished stones that mole people use as currency. Consider shopping strategically during off-peak hours for things like headlamp batteries and offerings for N’ha the Ancient Mole God, or try making bigger, less-frequent shopping trips to the local mole markets near your burrow instead.
Avoid Gatherings of More
Than 10 Mole People
Although citizens of Co’rtr’axia are famous for their awesome parties, the CDC currently recommends avoiding gatherings of more than 10 mole people at a time. We know it’s no fun missing the big feast during the annual grub harvest or skipping the traditional tunnel-digging festivities on All Mole’s Eve, but there are so many alternatives to help you stay connected. For example, you could try hosting a video chat karaoke night, or dressing up in your finest ruffled collar and bodice for a “Mole Queen A’a’lis the Third”-themed virtual happy hour.
Whether you’re toiling in one of the mole people’s horrifying industrial-scale larvae nurseries or enslaved in the lava mines where they harvest energy from the Earth’s core, so many of our daily tasks can be completed over email or by using tools like Slack and Zoom. If you absolutely need to be there in person, you can always use a sacred glass orb to create and control a doppelganger version of yourself with your mind. Just keep in mind that the ancient mole technology powering these orbs can be finicky at best, so try to work from home if at all possible.
This one is easier said than done, but managing your anxiety during this difficult time is essential. When you feel your stress levels going up, try doing something for yourself. Go for a walk, do some breathing exercises, or just kick back and relax with a glass of your favorite fermented grubwine. Whatever helps you unwind.
Remember, you’re not alone; you’re surrounded by millions of creatures that are scurrying in every direction while periodically screeching and clawing at one another. So just take a deep breath and try to relax.