Lex Luthor

Wow. So she’s really doing that, huh? That’s just… wow. I mean, I guess I can empathize with her. I’m also a power-mad billionaire hell-bent on destroying the world, but… damn. Even I would never mess with the Special Olympics. That is a really terrific organization, the work they do is just incredible. Have you seen those athletes compete? It’s so inspiring. I watched a video from this year’s games where a kid finishes a race and he looks around and he realizes that he’s won and his face just lights up and he gives the camera a high five—

(muffled crying sounds)

I’m sorry, I might need a moment. Can you come back to me?

The Joker

Wait, really? Are you being serious right now? I thought that was an Onion headline, didn’t even read the article. Just scrolled right past it. Holy shit, she really got me with that one.


You’re seriously not joking?

(extended pause)

Hang on, I’m googling this.

Dr. Doom

I don’t know. I just think it’s annoying. I mean, if we’re being objective about it, she’s really making us look bad. Because now no matter how many people I kidnap and enslave, everyone’s gonna be all, “Yeah, I guess you’re evil and whatever, but did you try to screw 272,000 bright-eyed children out of an opportunity to realize their dreams on the world’s stage?”

(frustrated exhale)

I mean, Jesus! It’s fine if you want to raise the bar, but at least give us a heads up that you’re planning an industry overhaul.

(indistinct muttering)

This is exactly why I started that group chat. I knew she muted that thing.

(guttural noises)

Honestly, I would have more respect for her if she just blew up a building or hijacked a train or something.


Gotta tell you guys, I’m pretty livid. What kind of asshole thinks this is a good idea? This year’s Special Olympics literally just ended, I’m still watching the highlight reels to get psyched up for Endgame.

(sounds of head banging repeatedly against wall)

Ugh, I’m going to have to call my Congressman AGAIN. I’m so SICK of talking to that guy.


Really? This chick thinks she’s going to cut 17.2 million dollars of federal funding and the philanthropic sector is just going to pay for it? Bitch, you ARE the philanthropic sector! Why don’t you pay for this instead of buying another forty-million dollar yacht?

(sounds of newspaper pages ruffling)

It says here she’s also proposing cuts to states grants for special needs students AND cutting money for programs for the blind.

(stands up)

Sorry to cut this short, fellas, but I gotta go.


Look, I’m proud to count myself among history’s most infamous supervillains, but yikes. Seriously, yikes. She knows this is a flawed plan, right? She knows Congress will never approve this budget, right? She knows that now, regardless of what she does in the future, people will always remember her as the person who wanted to completely gut federal funding for an organization that helps some of our most marginalized constituents and provides inspiration to millions? And more specifically, provides inspiration to me? Like, she gets that this is her legacy now, right? Like, she gets that I’m coming after her, right? Like, she gets that I struggle with anger management and control issues, right?

(high-pitched keening)

Just… I can’t. I can’t with her right now.

(heavy breathing)

Can I get a paper bag or some ginger chews or something? I feel like I’m gonna snap.