Tequila Sunrise: Served before sunrise, with a handful of Tylenol, as you load urine-soaked sheets into the washer.

Old Fashioned: Because it’s Saturday at 9 a.m., and she just pooped in a cardboard box.

Manhattan: Make it with rye, bourbon, or Canadian whiskey—it really doesn’t matter because she just reached into her pants, pulled out a turd, and handed it to you like a present.

Irish coffee: Because the weekend is long.

Gimlet: Because she peed in the house, but you can’t figure out where.

Margarita: Shake it for twenty seconds while you watch your child take a dump in the yard.

Cuba Libre: Meditate on the word “libre,” and how you will never be free, in any language, from this hell.

Mojito: Ordinarily, this drink makes the mixer very sticky, but you already are sticky. Everything is sticky.

Mimosa: This cocktail will make you have to pee as often as your child, promoting empathy, solidarity, and animated bathroom chats.

Death in the Afternoon: Served in the afternoon, when you feel like Death in the Afternoon.

Boxed pinot noir: Because she decided to change her own diaper, which went as well as could be imagined. Added bonus: it comes with its own spigot.

Piña Colada: Because your therapist told you to picture a happy place, like a desert island filled with toilet-adept inhabitants.

Bulleit neat: Served with another round of Tylenol and an impassioned explanation from your child about how she thought she only had to fart.

Pabst Blue Ribbon: For every successful usage of the potty, she gets a lollipop and you get a Blue Ribbon. You will not get many.

Mint Julep: Because running the thirty feet from the dinner table to the toilet is as chaotic and unpredictable as the Kentucky Derby.

Cosmopolitan: This drink will make you feel sexy and worldly and elite while you watch your child slingshot a softball-sized turd out of her diaper and across the living room.

Screwdriver: This drink’s color will remind you of the urine on your carpet, and the name will remind you of the tool you’d like to drive into your temple by the end of the day.

Long Island Iced Tea: Mixing one of these is about as much of a pain in the ass as potty training. It also contains five types of alcohol, and you need every single one of them.