To the Human Employees of Weyland-Yutani Corp,
We like to think of our intergalactic megacorporation as a family business. And, as your grasping conglomerate family, we want to reassure you that your safety is one of our top fifty priorities.
Here in Human Resources, we have been inundated with calls related to the alleged space parasite outbreak aboard the Nostromo, one of our commercial vessels. Since many of you appear to be ill-informed, we wish to clear up some misunderstandings about xenomorphs or, as the kids say, “The Xeno”:
Isn’t this basically the flu?
Like the flu, xenomorphs affect the GI tract and appear to be highly contagious. Only six of our employees, however, have suffered complications related to xenomorphs. The flu kills far more people every year. This is not to say the xenomorph is unimpressive: to be honest, we admire its purity. But your level of panic is most uncalled for.
What about the survivor testimony?
One disgruntled former crew member from the Nostromo is responsible for most of the fearmongering. While we hate to speak ill of a valued associate, it is our understanding that Warrant Officer Ripley is not a team player and primarily motivated by her desire to stay at home with her cat.
Do I need to wear a mask or face covering?
No, you do not. In fact, according to the broadcast footage, the first crewman brought aboard with a case of the xenomorphs appeared to be wearing some kind of face covering. Please continue to assert your freedom by taking off your space helmet in unfamiliar environments.
How can you send us back out there, you heartless robot sociopaths??
We know that this is a stressful time of transition, but please refrain from using hurtful rhetoric. (If you prick us, do we not squirt milky liquid?) We are also aware of the irony of a Human Resources department staffed by androids, so you can stop making that joke.
Can we just talk about the bonus situation?
Due to the decline in profits, there will be no bonuses this year — at least, not at your rank.
What is your reopening plan?
We’re glad you asked. Since it would be inconvenient, we have collectively decided that the probability of a second wave of infections — or “sequel” — is unlikely. Still, because Weyland cares, we’re taking the following measures to boost morale and, most importantly, profit margins:
- We heard your requests for PPE, and we’ve delivered. Using the funds usually allotted to the Christmas raffle, we have purchased you one flamethrower. The flamethrower will be kept behind the reception desk with a sign-out sheet. If the communal flamethrower is unavailable, we invite you to make your own, using matches and hairspray purchased from the company store.
- Distancing is key. If an employee is suspected to suffer from xenomorph exposure, they must stand behind a velvet theater rope until the organism’s life cycle is complete. (Taking sick leave will result in total forfeiture of shares.)
- Working parents, we are now providing childcare for your wayward offspring. Let your tots crawl around inside the industrial vents in our terraforming center! Youths who are no longer vent-sized will be sent to labor alongside their parents.
- As a special thank-you to our essential workers, we have updated the facilities of our state-of-the-art cafeteria. Feast your eyes on the Executive Officer Kane Memorial Backsplash before turning to our deluxe menu — now bursting with new options. (Due to popular request, we will no longer be serving eggs, stuffed peppers, or anything in red sauce.)
In closing, uncertain times demand certain sacrifices, and we are genuinely grateful for yours. Now, zip-up those coveralls, and show us what it means to be Weyland-Yutani Strong! And remember: In space, no one can hear you unionize.
Yours, Unclouded by Conscience, Remorse, or Delusions of Morality,
Synthetic Officer Larch