We are delighted to inform you of our new policy regarding Teacher Replacements Should The Worst Outcome Occur. Effective immediately, all faculty are invited to name up to three replacements to teach their 2020-2021 courses. Should the worst outcome occur, teachers can die with the comforting knowledge that their courses will continue to meet on Facebook Live.
In naming your replacement, please adhere to the following guidelines:
- Choose someone who is better looking. As peer-reviewed research suggests, the memory of a mediocre thing blends into the memory of a beautiful thing when a mouse is lost in a maze.
- Select someone whose specialty relates to yours but translates better to TikTok.
- Do not choose your office spouse or intellectual rival. Their grief or guilt over your departure may hinder their ability to translate your lectures into entertaining generalizations.
- Post your will on Canvas as a module.
- Learn your students’ names and faces in advance, using the confidential photo roster we provide to you without your students’ knowledge. Craft an individual goodbye email for each student, making reference to things like academic status (“Junior year is so great!”) and photos (“Your hair — it’s purple!” or “You seem so awake!”). Set the emails on delay, so that each student will receive an email from you when the semester is over. If you aren’t dead, you can tell them you were drunk dialing, but on email. They will think this is funny or that you are a fool.
- Do not choose your replacement as punishment for the faculty member least equipped to teach the subject material.
- Do not agree to combine “Rate My Professor” ratings with your replacement.
- If you teach a historically marginalized subject, be sure your replacement is on the same page politically. You can easily determine a colleague’s political persuasions by observing their clothing, facial expressions, tone of voice, and coffee mug designs. This is referred to as the “best fit.”
- It is not necessary to notify your replacements that you’ve selected them as replacements. In the event both you and your replacement suffer the worst outcome simultaneously, second-tier replacements will be selected without undue shame or humiliation.
- There will be an award for “Best Performance In the Role of a Replacement” given out to one faculty member during Zoom graduation. If the worst outcome occurs to the awardee before the ceremony, their replacement may take home the statuette.
- Replacements are paid a flat fee of $150 and an unlimited supply of letterhead. Letterhead may be picked up when a vaccine is discovered and administered to everyone on campus. Anti-vaxxers may pick up their letterhead from the Ministry of Supplies at any time.
- Participation by adjunct faculty is encouraged but not required, as adjunct faculty are already treated as replaceable.
- Consider rewriting your will and leaving everything to the Alumni Association. There’s still time to ensure that a seat in the stadium will have your name etched on it.
If you have questions regarding these guidelines, please direct them to the Dean of Pandemic Response, Attn: Replacements. Someone will get back to you as their duties permit.
Wishing you an irreplaceable semester,
The Next In Line