I know there’s been a lot of guff on social media and in the “mainstream press” in the past few days about how white women may have been a deciding factor in the successful rise of Zorpf and his legion of alien warlords, and I just want to set the record straight: while the majority of white women did not, as was expected, put up a fight against these monsters of inhuman evil, and most of us actually ended up enthusiastically supporting their efforts, blaming us for their rise is unfair and also very mean and hurts our feelings.

To be sure, when called upon to take a stand, we not only said nothing, but, in effect, by supporting the alien legion, said, “We’re with Zorpf.” And yes, the aliens are very mean and bad and have overtly said that they want to destroy humanity and have expressed open disdain for “fat chicks and lezzies,” but that is only because, as aliens, they have a certain candor that we, as white women, actually find refreshing. Unlike humans, who can be duplicitous or deceptive or unlikeable or send emails, the aliens speak their mind, if by “speak” you mean “convey their thoughts through energy beams that bore into the skulls of anyone within a thirty-yard radius” and “mind” you mean “spinning orb of conductive thought material.” Either way, they really tell it like it is.

We are aware that some of the most vulnerable populations on our planet are aghast at our choice to overwhelmingly support an army of gelatinous, undulating space creatures who seem to have little interest in anything but their own self-serving quest for the Shard of Qarzik, which lies at the outer reaches of the Nebula Oblongata Galaxy and which can only be reached by exploiting the energy trapped within the fluid from human brain stems, which they plan to harvest from our bodies while we sleep. But, in fairness, they also want to collect our urine to send back to their home planet to use as fertilizer, which is nice.

To those who would say that we have chosen to side with the aliens to preserve our own place in the social hierarchy of our planet, we can only say: That is absolutely true, but only to the extent that we would like to be among the chosen few who get to live on free-range human farms rather than be placed in pods made of the discarded eggs of the alien young where we would live out our days in a half-waking nightmare of constant physical pain and psychological torment. Although, to be fair, we don’t know that the aliens will make good on their promise to do this, given that they also claimed they would build a giant force field around the planet made entirely of lava extracted from the earth’s core and suspended seven miles above sea level, and that proposal, quite honestly, seems a bit ambitious and costly. At best they’ll probably just suspend some of those liquid fire balls they’re always farting out up there and call it a day. And anyway, when you think about it, we could actually use a lava force field because if we keep letting random alien civilizations into our atmosphere, like, what even is Earth anymore, you know what I mean?

Anyway, we promise to look out for our non-white women friends in this difficult transition. That is, of course, unless the aliens demand that we sacrifice any of you to their ur-god Fgrawr, in which case, you know, our hands will be pretty much tied. But we doubt it will come to that, because the alien overlords honestly just love Earth and want what’s best for it, which is to join the Allegiance of Dark Planets and syphon all our natural resources toward the Great Cataclysmic Battle for Good and Evil that will usher in the Days of Vast and Unending Sorrow.

I hope now you understand now why we collectively did what we did, and why we did it, in the end, is because we truly believe it’s what’s best for everyone, but mostly us. Oh, and All Hail Fgrawr.