Hello students!

With the deadline to submit proof of your COVID vaccine just around the corner, we would like to update you with some exciting news.

The Delta variant of the virus is thriving, and it turns out people are getting COVID, even after receiving the vaccine. In response to this development, we’re announcing that we will continue with our plan to hold classes 100 percent in-person with no social distancing or mask requirements. Side note: faculty and staff will not be required to get the vaccine because we don’t want to get sued. So, good luck, I guess.

Particular emphasis will be placed on the huge gathering that will take place during new student orientation, so that freshmen can really feel the life of the campus until upwards of 50 percent of you need to go into quarantine before your first class.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, Isn’t this exactly what happened on campus last year? Bonus points for catching the theme! You’re probably also thinking, Maybe we should wear masks and socially distance? Nope! Not necessary. At our core, we believe it’s super important to “return to a sense of normalcy,” even if that normalcy results in infecting you and/or your loved ones.

Still not convinced? Okay. Well, I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but we DO, in fact, have a contingency plan in place. You can’t find it anywhere online, but don’t worry, we’ll give you two to four hours’ notice when we activate it. It’s pretty simple, actually. After we get you to enroll, take your deposit money, and secure your first year of tuition, we will deploy fully remote online learning again. We’ll be sure to time this perfectly so that you miss the deadlines to receive a refund or transfer to a school that is cheaper or closer to home.

Once we’re all remote again, you can stay on campus or go back to live with your parents to finish your classes—we’ll need to hang on to that housing money though. I mean, what eighteen-year-old doesn’t want two homes anyway?

In closing, the faculty and I cannot wait to welcome you to campus. We plan to use nothing that we found worked well last year and instead will return to the “way things were before COVID.” You can expect plenty of unnecessary expectations, and your concerns will be addressed promptly in five to fifteen business days. While you may or may not be prepared for a job by the time you leave, we assure you this is your once-in-a-lifetime chance to spend $50K-plus a year to binge drink, develop a questionable sense of intimate relationships, and meet people you will hang out with for up to three years after you graduate before you all start blocking each other on social media.

Again, welcome to what’s sure to be another year of complete chaos.

Dean of Students