Originally published November 26, 2013.
And after the feaste, which did consist of water-fowl, and cod and bass and other fishes, and a great many wylde turkeys, the people of Plymouth did retire. And upon awakening they were greeted with many goodly savings, on itemes of considerable necessitie, and just in tyme for the forthcoming holidaye season!
Shoes of sturdy leather were to be had for the low, low sum of a single raccoon’s pelt, and milking cow discounts did flood with joye anyone able to parse the true meaning of “half-off.” Values on corn, squash, peas, and barley likewise were out of this (New!) worlde; and the people’s clamour to purchase a canoe, a novel form of transport that many did consider the hot new gift, was so immense that for some poore souls it did prove injurious.
The canoe came with not one, but two paddles!
Children cried out for the latest in earthen wares, stickes carv’d to resemble swords and lances, and the itemes, most useful in rough housing and horse play, did seem to fly off the shelves, such was the zeale of the demand.
Now as it happened, in the din and the tumulte, a good and freely-thinking Aborigine did stand in his breechclouts and inquire with great clarity the reasone for such monster savings, as well as why they should expire with the sun’s setting, which seemed rather arbitrary when one thought aboute it. But these wordes did fall on ears deafened by rumours of two-for-one buckles, which could be affix’d to one’s shoe or belt, or sportingly to the front of one’s hat—a most unheard-of steale!
Disputes arose. Two men did grow entangled over the proper and true ownership of a paire of stockings, with one and the other both claiming to have mark’d the iteme first. A mirror of good qualitie shattered as two women and a boy not seven years olde contested for it, after which the danger of being cut by brokene glasse did rise considerably, and was the source of great irritance. One large man drew a warlike club, newly purchas’d perhaps, and with it brained another sharply, and then another in an effort to procure his goodes, all the while shouting “rarrr.”
Such was the bloodlust stirred by the rock-bottome prices on this blackest of Fridayes.
And as the Lord pass’d the day into night, the confusion and rage did abate. And the people, having buried theire dead, retired once more, secure in their woolen coverings with the knowledge that this whole thinge, in the coming yeares, would be seen as more or less normale.