Hey, it’s me, the mom from Bird Box. You know, the movie where the monster rolls in from across the Pacific and kills everyone on earth by suicide, leaving only a few stranded survivors to fight off the plague while blind? Yeah, I’m back, and I’ve got a bone to pick with you all.

First off, the name’s Malorie. You probably don’t remember that, and you know why? Because every last human I loved killed themselves after being possessed by a demon-god, and so you barely ever hear anyone say my name in the movie. And you know what losing every last human I loved taught me? It taught me how to stay inside and wear a goddamn mask.

Sure, it was tempting to take off my mask when gangs of tormentors came disguised as my loved ones, but did I? No, you lazy fools, because if you took off your mask, you were dead.

I’ll admit, I came really close to taking mine off when my toddlers fell into the rapids. But you know what I did? Wait, why am I asking? You saw the movie, and you know full well that mask never left my face. And, if I remember correctly, you were pretty impressed with that at the time. Something about my movie being “a brilliant take on parenting” and what-not, but now all you have to do is keep your mask on at Jack-in-the-Box to save your families, and yet you all are storming the streets in protest.

My kids were barely old enough to talk when I told them, “Under no circumstance are you allowed to take off your blindfold.” And, look, how about that — we’re all still alive.

Now, imagine if I’d said to them, "Listen. The next few weeks are going to be really rough. You will have to stay home, watch Netflix, and wear a cute handmade mask whenever we have to make a run to the market for more Pop-Tarts. My kids would have been like, “You got it, Mom. After the hell we’ve been through? Of course!”

But for the sake of argument, what if my daughter, Girl, instead responded, “You can’t just kill our economy like this. Stop denying our freedom!” I’d say, “Girl, the economy was screwed the second the hell beast blew in and caused the whole world to kill itself.” And if Girl replied, “Then maybe we can just reopen some of the economy?” I’d say, “Girl, I saw a man try to reopen his grocery store too early, and he ended up in a landing dock drowning in a pool of blood and regret.”

But I would never have to say that to my daughter because my daughter’s not a fucking tool.

Look, you do you. But I’m just saying, for two days, I carried three birds down a river in a dilapidated box with nothing but a blindfold and a prayer. If all you have to do is keep a spare roll of toilet paper hidden away and wear a Star Wars mask over your mouth when you’re outside, maybe you need a reminder of how bad this shit can get.

There are things that go bump in the night, you petulant jerks, but quarantine ain’t it.