Presidential Debates

BUSH: The fact is, my War on Iraq is supported by many, many allies.
KERRY: Allies, Mr. President? Allies like Hestia, Goddess of the Hearth? And Aeolus, Keeper of the Winds? These are not Athena and Ares, Mr. President.
BUSH: Regardless, we will push—
KERRY: And even Demeter withdrew her fertile fruits from our troops when her Daughter Persephone was kidnapped by Baathist Extremists. Mr. President, my campaign is supported by Apollo, God of Fire and Light. My campaign is even supported by Republicans like Poseidon, God of Sea and Ocean.

Stump Speeches

CHENEY: … I want an America where the only Sirens are on top of police cars. I want an America where every child has a household slave that can read or write. My opponent wants an America where we arm our soldiers with inferior Tin, instead of powerful Bronze. Do you know what he did when Osama bin Laden released his video? He consulted the Oracle of Delphi. That man should not be President.

Campaign Ads

ZEUS: In an uncertain age, we need men of action. That’s why I endorse George Bush, through whose veins my mighty ichor flows. My offspring are as the peaks of the mountains, and their loins are fiery with a hot passion. Did not Mighty Bush crush the Caves of Afghanistan with the Delta Force? I am the Lord Zeus, and I approved this message.

Exit Polls

RUSSERT: We aren’t permitted to reveal the disposition of the Goose’s Liver, but the Augurs maintain that it’s good news for Kerry. Karl?
ROVE: It’s bullshit, Tim. The female Geese are considerably overrepresented, and we all know that the positioning of the gallbladder traditionally favors Democrats by two to three points.
RUSSERT: Blind Sage Rather?
RATHER: As the Swan flies South, Ohio falls to a Dandy: America sweeps corn onto a hot griddle.
RUSSERT: Sage but confusing words as always, Dan.

Post-election Wrap-up

SULLIVAN: I think Bush just spoke to the 51 percent of America that fondly remembers spiking a baby’s heels and leaving her in a jar on the hillside.
CARLSON: True, Rove’s entire strategy was to bring 4 million new Dionysian Cultists out of their Mountain Orgies and into the Voting Booths. And that strategy paid off.
MAHER: Coastal America just doesn’t get the Bacchanalia Belt, you’re saying.
CARLSON: Yeah, absolutely. Liberals need to get out of their Forums and walk into a Vomitorium. See what the rest of America is thinking. Go to a Chariot Race, for Gods’ sakes.


JENNINGS: … And George Bush, at the height of his power and wealth, has just discovered that his Barbarian Mistress has slaughtered his children. Also, his wife has turned out to be his Mother, and the Gods have doomed him to a 12-year voyage across Texas, carrying an Oil Derrick on his back.
NOVAK: A lot of people are going to say this has to do with Hubris, Peter. And that’s just not so.