“Despite growing evidence that the pandemic is still raging, President Trump and other administration officials said on Tuesday that they had made so much progress in bringing it under control that they planned to wind down the coronavirus task force in the coming weeks and focus the White House on restarting the economy.” — New York Times, 5/5/20

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Dear GOP donor,

We’re excited to announce that starting June 2020, we’re rebranding.

As many of you may have probably noticed, our party has been moving in a different direction over the last few years, shifting towards a fresh outlook, a new set of values, and an inexplicable death wish. With consistent messaging and advocacy, we’ve expressed this grim objective by cutting the regulations that protect clean air, promoting unfettered access to deadly assault rifles, and pretending that planet-threatening climate science is nothing more than a George Soros-funded hoax.

But now with the advent of the novel coronavirus pandemic and our party’s widespread support for letting it spread  —  and vigorously opposing those trying to contain the virus  —  we’re finally taking the plunge off this metaphorical but also literal cliff. Yes, the GOP is proudly and officially rebranding. We will no longer be calling ourselves the “Pro-Life Party.” Henceforth, to reflect our new ethos, we shall be known as “The Pro-Extinction Party.”

Since our founding in 1854, the Republican party has proudly supported freedom, liberty, and a better life for all Americans. What better way to take our brand to the next level than to imagine a better death for Americans as well, especially at the hands of a deadly infectious disease? The United States now has more Coronavirus deaths than any other nation in the world, and that’s thanks to lethal Republican efforts with Donald Trump at the helm. From denial, to inaction, to shifting blame, our party and president have been at the forefront of our national self-destruction.

While other countries have been successful at mitigating the effects of the virus and saving tens of thousands of lives, U.S. models show that our country can expect as many as 3000 deaths a day by early June. But we can only reach this ghastly goal by continuing Trump Republican party efforts to end the shutdowns, botch the COVID-19 testing and by bafflingly equating the wearing of masks with being liberal soy boys.

Relaunching the GOP brand from the “Party of Life” to the “Party of Extinction” marks an exciting and important milestone for us. Please rest assured that many of our core values  —  like protecting corporations  —  will remain unchanged. In fact, it is in our unwavering commitment to big fat corporate profits that the seeds to our annihilation were planted. Because of our slavish promise to regard corporations as people, the complete devaluing of human life was always inevitable.

Fittingly, the GOP rebranding comes just at the right time, as President Trump prepares to disband the COVID task force. You’ll also notice that in addition to the rebrand, our party’s logo has been updated to reflect who we are today, and now depicts an elephant guzzling a bottle of Clorox on a golf course.

It’s true that the “Party of Life” moniker was always a stretch for a political organization whose concern for human life extended only as far as wombs, petri dishes, and wealthy white people. For decades, we loved to blather on about our Judeo-Christian values, pretending that we had some kind of superior culture and that nobody else in the world had ever thought of the idea of outlawing murder and protecting human life. But it was an effective pretense nonetheless  —  one that enabled our pundits and politicians to claim the moral high ground.

Now, with our party rebrand, we don’t even have to pretend anymore and frankly, it’s a relief. We can fully embrace the darkness within. Everyone can just fucking die, and we’re not afraid to say it anymore.

Death to the Pro-Life Party! Long live the Pro-Extinction Party! Please click the button below to make a donation, and don’t forget to remember us in your will.