In Which King Gylfi of Sweden
Learns about Loki’s Aquatic Exile
So now poohr Balder’s trapped in a tunnel ‘neath the city on the fuckin’ ahr’ange line with that dipshit Chahlie, passin’ through Roxbury mohr times ‘en is good fahr ‘is fuckin’ health while Hermod’s racin’ back tah Frigg n’ Odin n’ all the othahs so’s that he can tell’em that they gottah convince evuhry damn thing in the whole wide wohrld tah cry in orhdah tah try n’ ressahrect his sahrry ass. N’ if at fihrst they don’t succeed, well then the entiyah fuckin’ univehrse is gonnah get fuckin’ scohrched like a fuckin’ nucleah holacaust since that’s the type’ah hahrdco’ah shit that these Viking guys fantasized ‘bout back in those days.
But the gods though, so they uhh, yeah know, they send out these messengahs tah all ovah the fuckin’ place, n’ they’re gettin’ evuhryone n’ evuhything tah cry fah Balder ‘cept fah this one old giantess who’s sittin’ in a fuckin’ cave way up past Conway all alone by herself n’ so she refuses tah weep fah him since she’s a bitch n’ yah know what that means…
…EVERYTHING IS FUCKED!!!
Nah. No. There is no come-back. This is not like game 7 ‘gainst Tahronto few yee’ahs ago where mihracles do happen late in the 3rd. I’m tellin’ yah, this is, this is mohr like, yah know uh, regulah season last yee’ah when it’s just like why even try. Just yah know, fuckin’ hang up the skates n’ just go play fuckin’ golf fah fuckin’ like 5 months instead, the fuckin’ losahs…n’ fuck the Broncos too…
…but the gods though, so they all think this giantess was actually Loki in disguise which is on accoun’ah him bein’ the biggest cunt on the planet n’ ah’ couhrse he now knows that the gods ahr gonnah be all ovah his ass, like they’re gonnah be on him like white on rice ah somethin’ n’ so he takes off n’ goes n’ he runs even deepah intah the Whites, right, so as tah try n’ blend in bettah n’ he holes himself up there in some cabin somewhere n’ then—get this—he praceeds tah tuhrn himself intah a fuckin’ fish! Can yah believe that? N’ then, I guess he just goes swimmin’ in the rivah out back ‘cause… fuck, man… I haven’t been fishin’ in so long…
Well, why the fuck not, right?
Shit, like—okay if it was me, if I could turhn myself intah a fish n’ go swimmin’ up in the mountains… well, actually I pry wouldn’t do it. That shit sounds fuckin’ hahrrible this time’ah yee’ah! I don’t like cold watah, yah know? Loki’s a fuckin’ dumbass! I mean, what’s he thinkin’? I always thought he was smahtah ‘en that. Myself though, I’d rathah turhn intah a bihrd ‘en a fish.
Yeah, man, yah could be all like flyin’ all ovah the place. N’ bihrds don’t gottah wahrry ‘bout traffic jams eithah. Man, if I could fly like a birhd then I’d be flyin’ all ovah 128 watchin’ all those poohr bastahds stop n’ go n’ stop n’ go n’ stop n’ go but I’d just be goin’ with no stoppin’. Hell, I’d be shittin’ all ovah ‘em from the fuckin’ aihr! Can yah imagine that??? I’d be like dive-bombin’ those poohr bastahds while they’re stuck there just idlin’ their engines creepin’ ‘long at like yah know like 5 feet evuhry fuckin’ 2 minutes n’ it’d just be like, it’d be like—splat—bihrd shit right on their fuckin’ windshields!
Shit! That’d be wicked pissssahhhh.
But fuck Loki though, fuck him. Fuck him, I sweaahhhrrrr…okay, and so sometimes he gets kindah boahd with bein’ a fuckin’ fish ‘cause yah know who wants tah be a fuckin’ fish, right? That’s shits stupid. I mean, yah agree with me on this right…?
Yeah, yeah okay so sometimes Loki, he’s gottah take a break from being a fish n’ all n’ so he goes n’ he uhh, he basic’ly just sits by his fi’ahplace… n’ then he fantasizes ‘bout his own death since he’s a sick fuckin’ bastahd n’ fah some reason—which I sweahr tah fuckin’ God I don’t get it fah the life’ah me, honestly I got no fuckin’ clue—the fuckin’ idiot goes n’ he makes a fuckin’… fishin’ net.
Yeah, a fuckin’ fishin net. So now what we got is Loki sittin’ there lookin’ at this net like it’s a fuckin’ noose since fahr’a fuckin’ fish it fuckin’ is, which is when he hee’ahs the gods entah intah his house! So he throws the fuckin’ thing intah the fi’ah n’ then he runs out back n’ he jumps back intah the rivah n‘ he transfohrms himself back intah a fuckin’ fish ‘gain.
But the gods, yah know, they weren’t borhn yestahday n’ so they see the ashes ah’ that net n’ so they figyah it out. They’re like, “OH FUCK, LOOK AT THAT. IT’S A FUCKING FISHING NET. LOKI MUST BE SWIMMIN’ LIKE A FISH IN THE RIVAH RIGHT NOW. LET’S GO KILL THAT STUPID SON OF A BITCH.”
N’ so they go on out back down by the rivah, down by the banks ah the rivah, ‘cause that’s what’s happenin’, n’ so now they’re there ‘long with all the fishes n’ flies n’ mosquitoes—which ahr not cool, mosquitoes ahr the fuckin’ wohrst bugs in the entiyah fuckin’ histahry’ah bugs n’ I’d pull a Loki myself n’ not even shed a single fuckin’ tee’ah if they were tah all just drop fuckin’ dead tahmahrrow n’ fuckin’ go extinct…uhh, but yeah fah right now, the gods, they’re lovin’ that clean n’ clee’ah cool watah ‘cause it ain’ like that shitty muhrky dihrty watah we got ‘round hee’ah. N’ it alsah, it means that the gods can actually SEE all those fuckin’ fish THROUGH THE WATAH with their OWN EYES.
N’ so they’re standin’ ‘round the fuckin’ rivah stahrin’ at the fuckin’ watah tryin’ tah spot Loki n’ there’s a ton a fuckin’ fish in the watah! N’ I guess it’s gottah be that clean cool mountain aihr that’s good fah the fish’s lungs ah whatevah that does it but yah know…it means they gottah play a little ripahrian Where’s Waldo fah now since the rivah’s so fuckin’, uhh… like teemin’ with fishes. Right? Teemin’, that wohrd makes sense right? Fuck it whatevah, yah know what I mean, right?
Yeah… n’ so as I’ve been tellin’ yah all ‘long, Thor is not what one would call a patient individual. So like maybe all the othah gods ahr just standin’ there keepin’ their cool, countin’ the fish, but Thor’s a fuckin’ fightah n’ so he’s gettin’ himself all wohrked up intah one’ah his killin’ moods n’ so if they don’t spot Loki pretty soon so that he can go n’ unleash all his pent-up rage n’ beat the livin’ shit outtah some fuckin’ fish then they bettah pray tah…well I guess they bettah pray tah ‘emselves but regahdless, they bettah pray that there’s at least a shitton’ah bee’ah back in the fuckin’ fridge ‘cause othah ‘en killin’ some fish right now that’s the only othah thing that stands a chance at appeasin’ Thor at this point in the stahry. The guy’s a fuckin’ lush.