Dear Graduate:

The U.S. Department of Education under Betsy DeVos takes education seriously. That’s why we’ve teamed up with various incompetent organizations who are working to streamline their predatory rent-seeking behavior that adds nothing valuable to the economy, to provide you with a customer service experience that is equal to getting help from a dying frog.

We believe education is the key to a productive and happy life, which is why we’ve decided to make it difficult to access. Happiness and productivity should only go to people whose billionaire families run notorious military contracting organizations or multi-level marketing firms that sell dish detergents.

You will notice a few changes to this year’s repayment options, as the extensive research we did among loan providers indicated that they weren’t making enough money. The situation is so dire that some of these loan providers’ CEOs now have to send their children to public schools, a situation they would very much like to avoid. After all, the public school system in this country is in disarray; someone should really get on that.

Please select from the options below, and be sure to push your confusion and anger at companies that profit off of people’s desire to make something of themselves deep, deep down, so that when it escapes, you find yourself not getting angry at us but instead getting angry at your partner for leaving their clothes in the drier for too long when you want to use it. That’s the kind of wayward rage we appreciate.

To best serve your future needs, we are now providing the following plan options regarding the repayment of your student loans:

Fixed Payments

In this plan, you send us 800 dollars a month every month, no matter your income, until we show up at your place of residence unannounced and tell you that you can stop. This might happen in four years. It might happen in 27. If you call us and ask how many more months you have to pay, our answer will be eight months. When you call us eight months later, we will say four months. It’s sort of a Zeno’s paradox situation.

Income-Based Repayment

In this plan, we will cap your loan payments at 10% of your discretionary monthly income. This plan is best for complete losers who studied something pointless like literature or education administration. How we calculate 10% of your discretionary income is fairly simple: we take your after-tax income, and we divide it by three.

Slap in the Face

Some people call the cost of higher education a slap in the face, and you know what, with this repayment plan they’re not wrong. In this plan, you won’t have to pay back any of your loans as long as you allow one of our loan officers to come to your home and slap you right in the face every Saturday at 8:00 am. Then, on March 20th, 2028, you will need to deposit a briefcase of exactly $49,000 in unmarked bills in the bottom of a trashcan in a public park. After this occurs, you will never hear from us again. If you try to contact us, we will act like we’ve never heard of you. Our local offices are now a sandwich restaurant. We’ve never been here.

Pay As You Earn

This is similar to income-based repayment, except it’s different because it has a different name. It’s pretty much the same, though. In fact, no one knows why this plan exists. If you select it, you’re kind of on your own in terms of figuring everything out. You might hear from us, you might not. Most of our letters will be incomprehensible. They’ll be written in a script no one has ever seen before. It’s similar to ancient Egyptian but with way more hieroglyphs of what looks like a duck riding a scooter. Good luck.

Revised Slap in the Face

This plan is excellent for grads who don’t qualify for the Slap in the Face plan but would like something similar. In this plan, we will hire a local actor to come over every November and tell you in precise and haunting detail why you have failed yourself and those close to you throughout your life. They will do voices and recreate past conversations, including, “If you don’t love me, then how come you told me you did?” and “I needed you, but you were too busy. Don’t act like you didn’t know what was happening.” When you ask him to leave, sure, he’ll go, but what he said will stay with you until the day you die.

Pay It All Off At Once

Inherited wealth is amazing. We highly recommend it.

Thank you for submitting your form. We have received it. In two weeks, we will lose it, claim you never turned it in, and charge you 1100 dollars for nothing. You are also no longer qualified for public service loan forgiveness.

We look forward to supporting you as you support us in our quest to get money from you.

The United States Department of Education