“President Trump caved to enormous political pressure on Wednesday and signed an executive order meant to end the separation of families at the border by detaining parents and children together for an indefinite period.” — New York Times, 6/20/18

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It has been brought to my attention that a majority of the public has voiced disapproval with my policy of luring children to my home in the woods, fattening them up to a respectable size, and then baking them in my oven for dinner. The resounding argument seems to be that this practice “tears families apart.”

Now, I for one feel a bit blindsided by this sudden public outcry. Eating children is a policy that has been practiced by many witches for MANY years without a single complaint (aside from some of the more fussy children). It wasn’t until I started doing it that everyone suddenly had a problem! You tell me if that sounds fair. But in any case, I have decided it is time to put an end to this inhumane and cruel policy of separating children from their families once and for all! Therefore, I will no longer be trapping and consuming lone children — but will expand my practice to include entire families.

Do not be fooled, I am by no means kowtowing to the insufferable “snowflakes” who love to find offense in anything they don’t understand — even family recipes that have been passed down through generations! I came to this decision completely on my own. After hours of listening to protestors chanting “stop eating our kids!” outside my home, and many discussions with close friends and family who encouraged me to change my ways, I was suddenly struck by the revolutionary idea to stop consuming children that I have kidnapped unless I am able to ensure I’ll be eating their families as well.

Personally, I think it is very brave to admit that one’s way of thinking has evolved with the times. For example, up until now, I found great satisfaction in trapping innocent children, force-feeding them until they were round and juicy, and then browning them nicely at 450 degrees. But after a little self-reflection (and under extreme pressure from everyone around me) I came to the conclusion that child-roasting is a bit old-fashioned for 2018. Maintaining the sanctity of the nuclear family is now my main priority! I will make sure that each child I lure into my trap will be accompanied by their immediate family members throughout the entire process.

But before you laud my bravery and integrity, please know that I didn’t do this for the inevitable fame and glory. I did this for the poor children who deserve to be united with their families even as I baste them in my Signature Sauce (patent pending) and then pop them in the oven till they’re a golden brown (about 50 minutes, flip halfway through).

Some may call me a hero… and they wouldn’t be wrong! My actions will undoubtedly protect families that, up until now, would have been permanently separated by my culinary endeavors. I’m not saying the road going forward will be easy. I’ll somehow need to make space in my fridge for all the leftovers I’m now going to have — but that is a sacrifice I’m willing to make in order to keep families together!